The Bee's Dilemma
by pehpig
Summary: Soifon had only wanted a quiet night out drinking and talking with her idol Yoruichi. How did she wind up engaged to Byakuya? Rated T for possible future language or adult situations.  I do not own Bleach, nor the characters in it.
1. The Bee Inebriated

**Summary:** Soifon's night out with Yoruichi doesn't go as planned.

_Authors Notes: A couple of things I want to clarify before I begin. _

_1. This is just a silly story I'm writing for my own amusement. I doubt the captains would ever be this foolish, and like a sitcom, most of these situations are unlikely to happen to anyone with common sense. I'm probably not going to put as much work into this as my other ones. _

_2. I'm not going to attempt to clarify Soifon's sexuality here. I'm basically going to do the best I can to portray her behavior the same way the manga and anime do. It won't be easy. I apologize in advance for the OOC action. _

* * *

><p>Soifon pulled two dresses out of her closet and rushed over to the mirror. She was so proud of herself. The events from earlier in the day played over and over in her head.<p>

"_Uh, say, Yorichi-sama."_

"_Hmm? What is it Soifon?" _

"_Um, Youruichi-sama. If you're not, uh, too busy or anything tonight…um…uh.."_

"_Uh, what Soifon?"_

"_Uh…would you like to go get a drink later? You know, we could, like, sit around and, uh, talk?"_

"_Yeah, sure I guess."_

"_**GREAT! HERE'S A CARD WITH THE PLACE AND TIME I'LL MEET YOU THERE BYE!"**_

She couldn't help but grin over her great victory. It had taken all of her courage to ask Yoruichi out, but she had done it! She held the two dresses she had selected against her body one after the other to see what would look best. Should she go with the blue yukata with the rose pattern, or the form fitting red cheongsam with the high side slit? Looking at first one, then the other, she decided to go with neither. After all, this was a meeting between equals. Two professionals, relaxing and unwinding after a hard day's work. Two old war buddies sharing camaraderie and mutual respect. No, she would go just as she was and enjoy spending quality bonding time with her fellow special forces veteran. She could hardly wait!

Leaving her personal quarters, she made her way across the second division's compound. Passing her office, she noticed the light was on. That was as it should be. She had tasked Omaeda to work overtime and cover the evening shift. He'd better not be slacking off. As she walked past, an idea occurred to her. She stepped into the office. Sure enough, the bumbling idiot had his feet up on the desk and was reading a magazine.

"Hey, fatso!" She yelled, chucking her cell phone at his head.

Omaeda barely had time to put his feet down and drop his magazine. He made a desperate lunge to get under the flying cell phone, fumbling it once, then twice before finally getting a good grip on it. He gave a heaving sigh of relief. He knew there would be hell to pay if he dropped it.

"Put that on my desk." She commanded. "I am off line tonight."

Omaeda's eyes bugged out in surprise. The captain had never done anything like this before.

"Off line?" He said. "Why? What're you doing?"

"None of your business." She snapped. "Let's just say I'm having a special night out and I don't want to be interrupted. Especially by you. Got me!"

"Oh, sure. I read you loud and clear captain." Omaeda burbled, bowing and scraping as Soifon made her exit. A "Special Night Out", huh? That really got his curiosity going. Especially since she had the biggest smile he could ever remember seeing on her face as she left.

* * *

><p>Soifon stood outside of the bar taking deep breaths. She didn't want to be early. That might make her look anxious. On the other hand, she didn't want to be late either. What if Youruichi-sama thought she wasn't coming and left? At precisely the time she had put on her invitation card, she took several more deep breaths and strode into the bar with her head held high. Trying to appear casual, she nonchalantly scanned the room. If Yourichi-sama was there, she would be easy to spot in a place like this. All you had to do was look for a large cluster of men and she would be right in the middle, playing them like an orchestra of fiddles as they all bought her drinks and desperately tried to get her attention. Seeing no such gathering, she made her way to the bar and ordered a cup of tea. Five minutes passed. Ten minutes passed. Her tea grew cold in her hands. She turned to the bartender.<p>

"Excuse me." She said. "Have you seen a woman in here recently?"

"We get a lot of women in here ma'am." He said as he polished the bar with a clean white rag. "Can you be more specific?"

'Oh, you would certainly remember her if you saw her."Soifon replied. "She is tall and has _beautiful_ dark skin and tilted eyes that glow like the sun and are absolutely _beautiful_."

"Hmm." The bartender mused. "I think I know who you're…"

"And she has long muscular limbs that are also _absolutely_ _beautiful_." Soifon continued. "And thick dark hair that shines and bounces and is incredibly _beautiful_."

"Yeah, like I said, I…"

"And a graceful, curvy body with the ideal proportions that is absolutely…"

"I get it, I get it!" The bartender cried. "She's absolutely beautiful, I get it. She left a note for you half an hour ago!"

"A note?"

"Yes. She said to give this to the person who asked about her. Please, take it." He said handing her a folded piece of paper.

Puzzled, Soifon took the note from his hand. Shaking his head, the man went back to his work. Once he moved away, she opened the folded paper to see what Youriuchi-sama had left for her. She read through the entire thing once. Not believing what she was seeing, she read it again. Finally, just to make sure she wasn't misunderstanding anything, she read it again slowly, word for word. No matter what she did, the note read exactly the same.

"_Hey little bee! Something came up. I'll have to take a rain check on our girl's night out, 'kay? Later! XXXOOO" _

She had signed it with a little catpaw print.

"I don't believe this!" She gasped.

Something came up? Oh she just bet something came up. Something with blonde hair and a stupid green striped hat no doubt!

"Bartender!" She barked.

"Yes ma'am?" he asked as he approached her.

"Saké." She demanded. "Now."

Acting quickly, he set a drinking cup before her and filled it to the rim. Soifon grabbed his hand.

"Leave the bottle." She growled.

Intimidated by her fierce expression, the man did as he was told, gingerly setting the bottle down and backing away quickly when she let go of his hand. Soifon drained the cup in one shot, then filled it again.

Why does she always do crap like this to me? She thought, downing another cup. She filled it again.

And why do I put up with it? Another cup gone.

_**Note to self:**_ _Stop putting up with Yoruichi's crap!_

Refilling her cup once again, she paused for a moment. Her shoulders slumped and she sighed. She put the bottle down on the bar. Who was she kidding? Yoruichi-sama was going to keep doing stuff like this to her and she was going to keep on putting up with it. She was so pathetic when it came to Yoruichi-sama. She worked so hard to be a strong woman. Why did Yoruichi-sama have such a hold on her?

"Damn that demon cat!" She shouted as she slammed her fist on the bar. In her anger, she hit her cup, launching the saké into the air. Most of it splashed on a passerby who got his sleeve up in front of his face just in time.

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir." She apologized. "I didn't mean to do that."

Her eyes widened in surprise as the stranger lowered his sleeve, revealing his identity.

"Captain Kuchiki?"

"It's all right." Byakuya assured her. "There is no harm done."

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"It is part of a commander's duties to know where his subordinates spend their off duty time and ensure those businesses are not detrimental to good order and discipline." He replied. "I try to get to know all the establishments my division members patronize. And you?"

Soifon frowned. "I was going to meet someone. It looks like I got stood up."

"Would that have been the scion of the house of Shihōin?" he asked.

She gave a rueful grin. "I guess it's pretty obvious." She admitted.

"I am not surprised." Byakuya said wiping his sleeve with a handkerchief. "That woman usually provokes strong reactions in people. She was often a thorn in my side in my youth."

"That's right." Soifon said. "I had forgotten about that."

Suddenly, she had an idea. "Tell you what? Let me make this up to you. I'll buy you a drink and you can tell me one of your Yoruichi stories. Then you can buy me a drink and I can tell you one."

Byakuya's mouth set into a thin line. It looked like he was about to say no.

"What I really want to hear are stories where she messed up and fell on her face." She continued. "Do you have any stories like that?"

Byakuya's mouth seemed to relax just a hair.

"Well…"

"Perfect! Let's grab that booth in the back."

* * *

><p>Byakuya thought Captain Soifon was laughing way too much at his last story.<p>

"HA, HA,HAAA! Thas, that's so like her! Exactly like her!" Soifon shrieked, tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks. "You are _funny_ Kuchiki-san! I don't care what anybody says about you, you are _fuh-nee_!

She picked up the bottle sitting between them and tried to fill Byakuya' cup.

"Hey, hey, it, it's sill full." She slurred.

"It's been like that for a while." He pointed out.

"Well why rnrt, why aren't ya drinking with me?" She asked querulously.

He declined to answer. "Please allow me to accompany you back to your quarters Captain Soifon."

"What?" She said waking up a bit. "No! We're having too much fun! The night is all young and stuff. Come on."

"Nonetheless, I believe any further carousing would only be anticlimactic at this point." He said. "We should probably be going home."

She gave him a sly, sidelong glance. "One more for the road?" she suggested.

Byakuya was amused. He had never seen the special forces commander so unguarded before.

"Very well." He said picking up his cup. "One last drink."

"Banzai!" Soifon yelled. She downed her drink and slammed the cup on the table. Byakuya finished his more sedately.

"Ah! OK, we're out of here." She said. She got out of the booth and jumped to her feet. Almost at once, she lost her balance and had to grab the table.

"Are you all right? " Byakuya asked as he got to his feet.

"Yeah, yeah." She said swaying back and forth. "I just got a little dizzy that's all."

Slowly, she sat back down. Her face was beginning to look pale.

"Are you sure you're all right? " Byakuya asked

She didn't reply this time. She looked up at him with a face that was quickly turning green. Her shoulders began to convulse as she put her hands over her mouth. He flash-stepped behind the bar and found a wastebasket, bringing it to her just in time. He turned his back to afford her some semblance of privacy as her stomach voided its contents. When it seemed like she was finished, he offered her his handkerchief.

"Thanks." She said as she meekly accepted it. She wiped her mouth and chin. "I'm really sor-_hic-_sorry about that."

"Do you feel better now?" He asked.

"Sure." She said. "Much, _hic,_ much betterrrrrrrr…"

Her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she passed out. He grabbed her before she fell head first on the floor and gently laid her back on the booth's padded bench seat. She was so small, only her feet dangled outside the booth.

This was a dilemma indeed. If it was an ordinary shinigami, he would order someone from their division to carry that person home and put them to bed. With a Captain it was different. Seeing her brought home incapacitated by drink was sure to affect her unit's morale and discipline. He would have to act to protect both her reputation and the image she presented to her division. Fortunately the location of their booth kept her hidden from the public's view. He simply had to get her out unseen. He strode over to the bar.

"Bartender." He asked. "What time does this establishment close?"

"Not for a while, sir." The man replied. "It'll be another four hours or so."

Byakuya held his fist over the bar and slowly opened it. A shower of gold coins fell from his hand. The bartender's eyes bugged out of their sockets at the pile they made.

Byakuya asked "And now?"

"Closing time, everybody!" The man called out. "Yes, I know it's early. We have a problem in the back, OK? Closing time! Everybody out! Out now!"

Byakuya returned to the booth, standing in front of Soifon's unconscious form. He waited patiently as the bartender shooed everyone outside.

"Will that be all, sir?" He asked as he closed the door on the last customer.

"Leave for one hour, then return to lock up." Byakuya directed. "Also, we were never here. Do you understand?"

Between the promise of gold and Byakuya's regal intimidation, the man had no problem understanding at all. In a split second, Byakuya had the bar all to himself. He took out his cell phone. His retainer picked it up on the first ring.

"Yes my lord?" He said.

"Bring a sedan chair and a few maids to my location." He directed. "Ensure that you are discreet."

* * *

><p>Why was an elephant standing on her head? Soifon wondered. She could feel that she was lying on her stomach. Someone seemed to have turned the gravity up a hundredfold and besides the elephant, there also seemed to be a thousand malignant pixies trying to take her scalp using hundreds of tiny hatchets. Opening her eyes was an accomplishment. Her eyelids seemed to have been replaced with sandpaper. She could see she was lying on a futon. Trying to focus, she could just about make out the floor. As she watched, the tatami mats began to sway and heave, back and forth, up and down. It was making her seasick. Closing her eyes didn't help. In fact it made it worse. The room now seemed to be spinning, faster and faster and faster!<p>

She rolled onto her back and sat upright, looking wildly around the room. Seeing a wooden bucket next to the futon, she seized it and shoved her face in the opening. She thought she was going to heave and retch forever. At last, she felt she could sit up again without getting sick. She noticed a clean cloth neatly folded next to the bucket and used it to wipe her face. Feeling a little better, she began to scan her surroundings. On the other side of the futon was a tray. It held a small plate with two aspirins on it, a glass and a tall pitcher of water. Someone must have brought it by recently as the water was still cold with condensation running down the sides of the pitcher. She carefully poured herself a drink, alarmed at how weak she felt and how much her hand shook. She popped the two aspirins into her dry, gummy mouth and gratefully drank them down with the water. She poured herself another glass and drank that as well. She knew she was badly dehydrated. When had she ever been this hung over? Answer: Never. She had never drunk that much alcohol in her life.

**Note to self:** _Never drink that much again__._

So what had happened after she had passed out? This was clearly not her room. She was dressed properly for bed in a plain white sleeping robe. Looking over the bedding, it only showed the indent of her body. It looked like she had spent the night alone. That was a good thing. While she was no blushing virgin, having experimented discreetly in her youth, neither was she one to casually bestow her favors. If someone had taken advantage of her when she was unconscious, there wouldn't be enough left of them to feed a cat by the time she got through with them.

With the aspirin taking the edge off, she was able to concentrate better. While neat and tastefully decorated, the room had a sterile, unlived-in feeling. She was in someone's guest room. Vague memories began to filter back. Someone carrying her. Someone washing her face. Someone changing her clothes. Taking another drink of water, she noticed the pattern on the tray. The Kuchiki family crest. That made sense. She had been drinking with Captain Kuchiki. This must be his house.

She got out of bed and stood up, wincing from the pain in her head. She saw her uniform was hanging next to the door, freshly cleaned and pressed. As she got dressed, she was tempted to try and slink away without being noticed. It would be bad manners, but she had made such a fool of herself! The thought of facing Captain Kuchiki now made her want to crawl under a rock with embarrassment. Still, leaving without thanking him would not only be rude, but cowardly. Soifon would be even more embarrassed to give in to such weakness no matter how uncomfortable seeing Byakuya would make her feel. She slid open the door revealing a porch facing a pleasantly well landscaped courtyard. Although the morning sun was gentle and reduced by the shade of several trees, Soifon still covered her eyes. The light still seemed too bright and was painful in her over sensitive state. Two maids in purple Kuchiki livery knelt in front of her, hands folded, waiting patiently. The bowed with their hands on the floor as Soifon stepped out.

"Good morning, Captain." They chorused.

"Have you two been here all night?" Soifon asked.

"No, ma'am." One said. "The maid staff has been rotating every two hours since we brought you in and prepared you for bed. Lord Byakuya wanted to make sure there was always someone here to help you if necessary and to be sure to provide you with prompt, alert service when you awoke. "

"What time is it?"

"You are just in time for breakfast, ma'am." The other one said. "Lord Byakuya requested you join him in the rear garden to dine with him. He also felt you would want these."

She held up a pair of sunglasses. Although embarrassed that Byakuya anticipated her discomfort, Soifon put them on immediately. The protection they gave noticeably helped with her headache. Following the maids, they wandered in through hallways and out past koi ponds until they finally came to the rear garden. Byakuya was already seated at the table, patiently waiting.

Soifon exchanged polite greetings with him as the maids showed her to her seat. Once seated, they brought out covered trays and began to set out breakfast. Everything was fresh and piping hot.

"I had the chef prepare rice porridge for you." Byakuya said. "I felt it would be best for your condition."

Soifon winced inside at being reminded of her overindulgence. The porridge did look and smell delicious though.

The maids finished setting out the food and utensils then quietly withdrew. After the usual polite morning rituals, they began to eat. The porridge tasted better than it looked and went a long way towards easing her stomach. Peering over her borrowed sunglasses, she watched Byakuya gracefully cut and eat his omelet.

"Captain Kuchiki," She said. "I want to thank you for taking care of me last night."

Byakuya made small noise of acknowledgement, saying nothing more.

"I'm not usually reckless like that you know." She continued. "I allowed myself to get upset and used poor judgment. I'm usually more in control than that."

"Perhaps that is the problem." Byakuya said. "You maintain such tight control, you have forgotten how to relax safely. I have often thought to myself that you are, at least in my opinion, too uptight."

Soifon leaned back in shock at his words.

"_You_ are telling _me_ I don't know how to relax? _You_, of all people, are calling _me_ uptight?"

She stared at his cool, impassive face in disbelief. Cold as ice Byakuya was telling her she needed to loosen up. How dare he? Byakuya did not react to her words at all, gazing back at her with his face as still and placid as a mill pond. Or maybe not so still.

"Wait a minute." Soifon said leaning forward. "Is that a joke?"

Sure enough, the right corner of his mouth was turned up just a teeny tiny bit.

She pretended she was going to throw her chopsticks at him.

"You _are_ joking." She declared as she began to weakly laugh. It made her head hurt, but she couldn't help it. Byakuya allowed himself to smile in return.

"You're funny Kuchiki-san." Soifon said taking a big scoop of porridge in her mouth.

* * *

><p>Soifon left the Kuchiki compound in good spirits despite her lingering hangover. Byakuya had been a surprisingly good host. She realized she really didn't know him well at all. He had shown himself to be elegant and refined, which she expected, but also educated and knowledgeable about many subjects. They had a fascinating talk over breakfast on art and music and literature. He knew many of the works Soifon enjoyed and spoke expertly on their background, history and meaning. He opened her eyes to a lot of things she hadn't noticed before. Yes, she was pleasantly surprised indeed by the charming, gracious man behind the cold aristocrat she had previously seen only while at work. It had made for a very pleasant morning. She shook her head at the thought of going back to work. After last night, she was going to feel lousy all day. Oh well, she could always take it out on Omaeda.<p>

Suddenly, she stopped. Something felt wrong. She hadn't heard anything unusual. She didn't see anything. Reaching outward with her senses, she thought she might be detecting someone's reiatsu, but wasn't able to get a lock on it. After a few seconds, she lost it, if it was even there to begin with. What had caused her to feel uneasy? Trying to figure it out made her headache worse. She blamed it on the hangover and continued towards her compound.

* * *

><p>Hisagi Shūhei was sure he was a goner when Captain Soifon stopped walking. The modern digital cameras he used didn't make a sound when you took a picture like an old shutter camera. Did she hear him pushing the button? Had he allowed any reiatsu to leak? He breathed a sigh of relief as she walked away. She hadn't spotted him hiding in the tree. He checked the display on the back of the camera to see the results of his long stakeout. It was perfect! Captain Soifon was framed in the gateway of the Kuchiki manor's entrance centered right below the family crest. She was wearing sunglasses and had a dreamy, distracted smile on her face. His source had been right! Something <em>was<em> going on between Soifon and Byakuya. It must be something pretty good to make the normally dour Captain smile like that. He grinned widely as he carefully saved the image to a memory card. The next edition of the _Seireitei Bulletin_ was going to sell like hotcakes!


	2. The Bee Misunderstood

**Summary: **Soifon goes to work with no idea what's in store.

Soifon entered her office ready begin her usual routine. Her hangover from yesterday was long gone and she felt as fine as ever. She decided to chalk the whole ugly incident up as a learning experience and then dismissed it from her mind.

"G-good morning Captain!" Marechiyo Omaeda stammered out as he shot to his feet from behind his desk. Soifon barely acknowledged him with a grunt.

"Anything to report from the night shift?" She asked walking past him.

"No Captain. Everything was quiet. Um. Except for one thing. Another package showed up. I put it on your desk."

She stopped and slowly turned around giving him an icy glare.

"Did we catch who did it this time?"

Omaeda began to turn purple with fear. "N-n-no Captain. Nobody saw anything."

Soifon bared her teeth as she ground them in frustration.

"Dammit! How can we call ourselves an elite stealth unit if we can't catch whoever's leaving these damned packages?"

"Do you want me to start throwing them away, captain?" He asked.

"No." she growled. "I'll take care of this myself."

She slid open the door to her office and stepped inside.

"And don't let anybody disturb me until I say it's OK. Got it?"

"Y-y-yes, ma'am." He acknowledged.

Soifon slid her door shut and turned around. Sure enough, there was a brown paper wrapped box on her desk. She approached it cautiously. There were no greasy stains or dangling wires. The writing on the box said simply "To Captain Soifon." The handwriting was unfamiliar and different than the last time. She stepped around to her chair and sat down. Picking the box up, she noticed it was light and didn't make any noise as she gently shook it. She took a balisong out from her desk drawer, freeing the blade and locking it into place with a sharp flick of her wrist. Gently, she cut along the seam of the paper to expose the box. Again, she saw no wires or any kind of trigger. Cutting the tape holding the cardboard box closed, she carefully pulled it open. As the darkness inside gave way to the light, she was able to see the contents.

It was a stuffed black cat made with black velvet, its green felt eyes staring back.

Soifon sighed. Ever since the rumor had gotten out somehow that she liked black cats, packages like this had started showing up. If it wasn't a plushy, it was a ceramic figurine or a keychain or a picture. When was it going to stop? She stared down at the toy in the box. Even though she was alone in the office, she slowly looked around, first carefully to the left, then carefully to the right. Satisfied no one could see her, she snatched up the cat and squeezed it to her chest.

"Kawaii!" She squealed. She set the plushy on her desk and stroked its head. "Who's a pretty kitty now, eh? Who's a pretty kitty? You are, that's who! What am I going to name you? Yoruichi VI? Ms. Silly Whiskers III? I have spot for you on my shelf, yes I do! Yes I do! Just wait till we get home."

Her musings were cut short by noises coming from the reception area. She could only make out some of the words Omaeda was saying.

"No, I'm sorry…" "I have strict orders…" "No one is allowed to see her at this time. You'll..."

Suddenly, she heard a loud crash, followed by another, then another. Then silence. The intercom on her desk buzzed.

"Someone to see you, Captain." Omaeda groaned.

Soifon frowned. Who would have the audacity to insist on interrupting her private time? She hit the reply button.

"Send…"

She stopped and quickly scooped the stuffed cat into a desk drawer. She hit the button again.

"Send them in."

She prepared herself to deal with whoever or whatever came through that door. Omaeda may have been cowed into submission, but whoever this person was, they were going to find she was considerably less hospitable.

All of her determination, all of her discipline, all of her resolve melted away as the door to her office opened. Seeing her visitor, Soifon shot to her feet, her defenses completely gone, her mind a blank.

"Mother?"

"There you are!" Her mother snarled.

Fon Su-yin had been a formidable warrior in her day and had hardly slowed down after resigning first to bear children and then later to serve in the council of clan elders. In looks, she wasn't much different from Soifon herself, lithe and slender in build, slightly shorter and thickened a bit with age. Her face was creased and lined and her shoulder length hair had a wide grey streak in it, but her eyes were bright and focused as a hawk's.

"All these years, you keep putting off my arranging a marriage for you because of your missions or your career and now I find I cannot arrange a marriage because you have defiled yourself? How am I going to have grandchildren now?"

Soifon's mouth opened like a carp's as she struggled to understand what was going on. Clan law stated a woman had to be a virgin if she was going to be betrothed, but only the older folk cared about that these days. Besides, she was planning on _never_ getting married. So what made her mother bring this up now? Did one of her old lovers from her experimenting days talk? How was that possible? She had been careful to select bed partners only from units with high attrition rates. She was sure they had all been killed by now.

**Note to self:** _Track down all old bed partners. Kill any survivors__._

"W-what are you talking about?" Soifon finally managed to ask.

"Don't play innocent with me!" Su-yin barked. "You're little tryst was in the papers this morning!"

She thrust a copy of the Seireitai bulletin folded open to the gossip section under Soifon's nose. Her eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as she took in the lurid headlines in bold type.

"Captain Soifon's 'Special Night Out'. Is ByaSoi Seireitai's Newest Hot Couple?"

She snatched the paper out of her mother's hand and scanned the article, shock and disbelief building with every second.

"A reliable source tipped this reporter that Captain Soifon was having a 'special night out' and did not want to be disturbed…"

"…seen drinking in a secluded booth in the back…"

"…bar closed suspiciously early…"

"…seen leaving the Kuchiki mansion the next morning (see accompanying photograph)."

It was a heck of a picture all right. She was perfectly framed by the Kuchiki mansion's gates. Checking the article byline, it said "by Hisagi Shūhei."

**Note to self:** _Disregard last note. Track down Lieutenant Hisagi. Kill him!_

"This isn't what it looks like." She said.

"Oh sure." Her mother replied. "I supposed you spent the night drinking tea and discussing politics. I wasn't born yesterday young lady! And what is up with those sunglasses? Did you think people wouldn't recognize you when you left his house? You're still in uniform!"

"That wasn't for a disguise, mother." She said. "I was really hung over, that's all."

From the look on her mother's face, that wasn't a good rebuttal.

"You see, I got really drunk the night before, and I passed out and, um, that's why I needed the sunglasses. I had a headache."

Why did she keep talking? It had been like this as far back as she could remember. Her mother would give her _that look_ and she would just babble away until she had given her mother enough rope to hang her. She forced herself to shut up.

"So, that's the kind of man you're seeing?" Her mother asked. "A cad who would take advantage of an unconscious woman?"

"What? No, he didn't take advantage of me." She replied.

"So you gave yourself to him willingly?" Su-yin accused

"No I didn't."

Su-yin eyes widened in anger "So he took you by force?"

"Mother, stop it!" Soifon demanded. "We haven't done anything together."

"I'm only trying to protect you." Su-yin said. "You are young and easily swayed. You don't know what these noblemen are like. He'll impress you with his riches and titles and fill your head with pretty promises, but when he's had enough, he'll cast you aside like a broken toy."

"Mother, please." Soifon protested. "He's not like that. Captain Kuchiki is an honorable man."

"You see!" Su-yin said pointing her finger at Soifon. "You're taking his side against me. He's already gotten to you. Well I'm not going to stand for this! He may have spoiled you for marriage, but I'm not going to sit idly by and let him make you another one if his playthings!"

Soifon could see nothing she could say would convince her mother that nothing was going on between here and Captain Kuchiki. Damn that stupid article! Well, she was going to have to deal with this. It wouldn't be easy, but she was an officer and a commander. She drew herself up to her full height, looking down at her slightly shorter parent.

"Mother, I appreciate your concern, but I am a Captain of the Gotei 13. You cannot come bursting in here and start telling me how to live my life."

Su-yin's eyes narrowed. "Oh, no?"

Before Soifon could react, her mother had her by the left ear.

"Ow! Ow! Stop! Stop, you're pulling my ear off!"

"You are coming with me young lady." Her mother said dragging Soifon out from behind her desk. "We are going to see this rich playboy of yours and tell him he is forbidden to see you ever again!"

"I keep telling you, there's nothing going on." Soifon whined as she was pulled out of her office. Omaeda sat behind his desk, head propped on his hands watching her go by with great amusement.

"Well don't just sit there you fat tub of lard!" Soifon shouted. "Do something!"

"Don't worry captain." He said waving goodbye. "I'll keep an eye on things while you're gone."

"Grrr, you are so going to get it when I get back." She threatened.

There was a brief flicker around their forms, then the two women were gone. Omaeda chuckled. Getting pulled into flash step by your ear had to hurt.

* * *

><p>"Gentlemen, I am pleased by the gains we have made this quarter." Byakuya said to the board members. "The clan has profited greatly by your initiatives, and I hope the projects we have approved today will continue this trend. If there is no new business, I move to adjourn."<p>

"Speaking of benefiting the clan, I do have some new business to discuss." A voice called out.

Byakuya looked up from his papers and looked down the long table lined with faces until his eyes met those of the man who spoke. He was not surprised to see it was Kanada Jiro, head of his textile division. He knew what Kanada was going to bring up too. It was a topic that angered him. Unfortunately, by the rules of the board, he had to allow the man to speak.

"You may proceed." He said.

The fat merchant stood up so the other board members could see and hear him, stroking his thin beard as he turned this way and that to address is audience.

"Lord Byakuya, no one here can dispute that under your guidance and leadership, the clan has flourished. We look forward to your steady hand protecting our fortunes for many years to come. Unfortunately, even for such as we, a time will come when you will no longer be there for us. Who will lead us then? Who will be the head of the Kuchiki clan should you not return from a mission or pass away in the fullness of time? In short, Lord Byakuya, when will you choose a new bride? When will you supply us with an heir?"

Byakuya fought to keep the rage in his heart from showing on his face. He knew exactly why Kanada was bringing this up now. It wasn't for the good of the clan. It was because his oldest daughter was now marrying age. It would benefit him greatly to have that daughter married to the head of the clan. He had been pressuring Byakuya about a possible arrangement informally off and on for months. It seemed now he was determined to force Byakuya's hand by making this issue public.

"I do not wish to discuss my personal life at this meeting." Byakuya stated. "I will make appropriate arrangements when I feel the time is right."

"I understand Lord Byakuya." Kanada replied. "However, as head of the clan, it is not just a matter of your personal life. We all need stability in our lives to plan for the future. With no heir, how can you assure us this stability."

All along the table, Byakuya saw men nodding in response to this obvious wisdom. One of the elders, a tall, thin, grey haired man named Kyubei Ryoma from the agricultural concern, rose to his feet.

"We all knew your wife Hisana, Lord Byakuya." He said. "We understand your grief at her passing. We miss her too. However, the official mourning period is long over. I know you will forever mourn her in your heart, but life goes on. You have your duty to your clan to consider."

More heads nodded at this speech with mutters of "hear, hear" scattered here and there.

"On a more personal note, "Kyubei continued, "I've known you since you were a little boy my lord. It would be good not just for the clan for you to marry again. If I may be so bold, I worry about you."

More mutterings and nods. It was true, most of the men seated at this table had been here since before he was born. Many had held him on their laps or patted him on the head as he had grown up. He knew many of them sincerely cared about his happiness. Kanada Jiro was not included in that number.

"I appreciate your concern for my well being." Byakuya said. "As I have stated before, when I feel the time is appropriate, I will make the proper arrangements."

"And when will that be?" Kanada pressed. "Surely there is no reason not to do it now, is there my lord?"

Byakuya fought to remain calm. There were limits to how far a man could push his clan chief and Kananda was right on the edge. He could picture carving the minor noble into a thousand pieces for his insolence. He quickly shoved that thought away and chided himself for his temper. He opened his mouth to speak. However, before he could say anything, he was interrupted by a disturbance coming from the hallway.

"No, you can't go in there!" "Halt!" "Stop, or else!"

Suddenly, a figure in purple livery blasted through the conference room doors, flying through the air to land in a boneless heap on the table. His momentum caused him to keep moving, sliding down the table at great speed, papers, pens and teacups flying everywhere. He slowly came to a stop before Byakuya.

"Someone to see you, sir." His guard captain wheezed before he passed out.

"So!" Su-yin sneered as she barged into the room. "Thought you could hide behind your walls and guards did you? It'll take more than that to protect you after what you did to my daughter!"

Soifon, face beet red, was powerless as her mother towed her by the ear. Surely she could think of a way to instantly kill herself, couldn't she? If only she wasn't too embarrassed to think!

Everyone rose their feet in astonishment.

"What is the meaning of this?" Kyubei cried.

Following the path of least resistance, Su-yin jumped on the table and stalked up the room to where Byakuya still calmly sat, Soifon scrambling to keep her ear from being torn off.

"I demand justice!" Su-yin said pointing her rolled up newspaper at Byakuya. "You will compensate my daughter for despoiling her chastity and bringing shame to our clan. After that, you are never to see or speak to her again!"

"My good woman, I have no idea what you are talking about." Byakuya said.

"You see." Su-yin said to her daughter. "He's already denying you."

"Can you please let go of my ear?" Soifon begged.

"Fine, you can have your ear back." Su-yin growled letting go. Soifon rubbed her ear vigorously to try and get feeling back into it.

"Now see here aristocrat," Su-yin said turning back to Byakuya, "We will not be ignored! You can't just toss my daughter aside now that you've had your fun. We will not let you get away with shirking your responsibilities!"

"I will be sure to address any grievances you may have," Byakuya replied. "once you tell me what they are."

"Another one playing innocent, eh?" Su-yin said. "I am referring of course to this!"

Su-yin tossed the Seireitai Bulletin on the table. Kanada snatched it up and read the headline.

"Lord Byakuya is this true?" He demanded showing him the picture. "Are you really involved with this woman?"

"Is this what you meant when you said you would make arrangements, my lord?" Kyubei asked. "You have engaged this woman's hand in marriage?"

"WHAT!" Su-yin shrieked. She whirled around to grab Soifon by the shoulders.

"You mean to tell me you defied centuries of clan tradition and got engaged to this lothario?"

Soifon shook her head, denying the accusation. "No, mother, that's not true!"

"Don't you lie to me, young lady!" Su-yin snarled. "Why are they saying you're engaged if you're not?"

"Indeed, what is the truth?" Kanada demanded. "It is intolerable for Lord Byakuya to marry so far beneath his station."

Su-yin turned on Kanada, fists clenched "Hey fatso! My daughter is good enough for anybody, including that pretty boy over there."

She turned back to Soifon. "But he makes a good point. Why did he ask you to marry him? And why so quickly?"

Her eyes widened in alarm as she came to her conclusion.

"He asked you to marry him BECAUSE HE HAS TO!"

Soifon's hands flew to her stomach.

"What? No! No, I'm not…"

Su-yin swayed on her feet. "Oh dear. I'm going to be a grandmother."

Soifon scrambled to keep her mother's head from hitting the table as she fainted.

* * *

><p><em><strong>"<strong>__**OMAEDA!"**_

The Lieutenant of second division's blood ran cold as he head his captain scream his name. Before he could even think of a place to hide, she appeared before him.

"Tell me lard-ass. Are you prepared to DIE?"

"C-c-c-captain, I'm sorry." He burbled. "I didn't want to get in the way in a family argument. I thought it best to let you work things out with your mother by yourself."

"I wasn't talking about that." Soifon said with a threatening purr. "I was talking about _this_."

She held up a copy of the Seireitai Bulletin.

"That?" Omaeda asked. "I have nothing to do with that, captain. Hisagi Shūhei publishes that. I have nothing to do with it."

"Nothing?" She repeated in deceptively sweet tones. "Are you sure?"

Omaeda vigorously nodded his head.

"Perhaps you can explain this then." Soifon said. She held up the paper and began to read.

"'A reliable source tipped this reporter that Captain Soifon was having a 'special night out' and did not want to be disturbed. She surrendered her official phone and gave strict orders for no one to contact her. Apparently, she wanted to spend all of her time focused on the person she was meeting.' Now where could Hisagi have gotten information like that? Does that sound familiar to you?"

Omaeda looked wildly around the room looking for a way out. It was no use. She had him cornered!

"Now…now don't get to upset captain." He pleaded. "Hisagi stopped by for my leftovers from dinner and we got to talking and I just happened to mention you were acting a little odd that's all."

"That's all?" She shouted. "You just made my life a living hell you lardball! Prepare yourself for a world of pain!"

Omaeda groveled in fear. "Captain, please! Take it easy!"

"Any last words Mr. 'Reliable Source'?" She snarled.

_**"**__**HHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPP!"**_


	3. The Bee Conspiring

**Summary:** Soifon plots to get out of her sticky situation.

**Author's note:** _Eighth division Third Seat, Tatsufusa Enjōji is shown in the omakes made for Shounen Jump (later collected into the "Colorful Bleach" databook) to have a major crush on Captain Soifon. He's the big guy with the braids Chad punched into next week._

"I had no idea." Renji said as he stared at the headline.

Hot off the presses, the latest edition of the _Seireitei Bulletin _had Soifon's embarrassing confrontation with the Kuchiki clan not in the gossip session, but on the front page.

"Forbidden Love! Will Family Conflicts Tear ByaSoi Apart?"

"Come on, you work with him every day and you never noticed anything?" Shūhei asked. He stood in the middle of the street where he had stopped Renji, Kira and Iba on their way to work seeking information for his next article. He held his pencil and notepad at the ready, eager to jot down some juicy quotes.

"I don't know when he'd find the time." Renji answered. "He's there when I get to work in the morning and he's usually still working when I go home. If he was dating anybody, I never saw a sign."

"Well Captain Soifon is in charge of the stealth forces." Kira observed. "And didn't Captain Kuchiki train with Shihōin Yoruichi? Could be they're just really good at keeping it hidden."

"Good point." Shūhei said while writing on his pad. "I'll try to work that in somewhere."

"I still can't believe she's into men." Iba mused as he took the newspaper from Renji. "She's always 'Yoruichi-sama' this and 'Yoruichi-sama' that.

"She was her captain and mentor for many years." Kira said defensively. "It's only natural she would look up to her and admire her."

"Maybe so." Iba said stroking his mustache. "But I have special knowledge that _proves_ she's not interested in men."

"Really? What's that?" Shūhei asked, pen at the ready.

Iba looked around before leaning in to whisper his secret. The other men followed suit, their heads forming a circle as they drew closer together.

"I know because whenever we're all gathered at an official function, _she never looks at me_!"

Shūhei frowned. "That's it? That's your proof?"

"What more do you need?" Iba demanded. "Look at me! I'm the pinnacle of manliness. How could any woman resist unless she didn't find the perfect male form attractive?"

The other men rolled their eyes.

"So the other women in the Gotei 13 are usually checking you out?" Renji asked.

"Actually, no." Iba said frowning. "None of them pay me any attention. You wouldn't think they were all playing for the other team, but what other explanation is there?"

Shūhei scratched out Iba's quotes from his pad. "Thanks Tetsuzaemon, but I don't think I can use that for the article."

"You're taking some big risks here aren't you?" Kira asked. "I mean you're digging into the personal lives of two captains. If nothing else, I'd worry about Captain Soifon murdering me in my sleep."

"Seriously," Renji added, "sales and increased circulation can't be worth your life."

Shūhei lowered his pad and struck a noble pose. "You couldn't understand even if I explained. I do not fear for my life because I serve a higher cause. The cause of 'Truth'. The people have a right to know the Truth and they depend on me, a servant of the Truth, to bring it to them. What is my insignificant life compared to carrying out this sacred trust?"

"I don't think gossip falls under the category of 'sacred truth'." Kira said.

"Yeah, and besides…_HOLY CRAP, HERE SHE COMES_!" Renji shouted.

"What? Where? Where?" Shūhei demanded looking wildly around.

"That way!" Renji yelled pointing behind Shūhei. "Run, man! _RUN_!"

Shūhei flickered out of sight as he flash stepped away, his face locked into a grimacing, terrified mask.

The lieutenants laughed and laughed.

"That was a good one, Renji." Kira wheezed wiping tears from his eyes.

"I thought for sure he was going to piss himself!" Iba howled.

The massive form of eighth division's third seat, Tatsufusa Enjōji strolled around the corner. Seeing the lieutenants, he naturally wondered what was the joke.

"Hey guys." He rumbled. "What's so funny?"

"You had to be there." Kira said, calming down. "Renji just got Shūhei good."

"Serving a higher cause, my ass." Renji jeered. "I only hope I'll be there when Captain Soifon catches up to him. At least with my captain he'll get a chance to beg for his life."

"What's this about Captain Soifon?" Enjōji asked.

"Don't you read the papers, man?" Iba said handing over the _Bulletin. _"Looks like her and Captain Kuchiki have been sneaking in some quality time when we weren't looking."

The big man snatched the paper from Iba's hand. Disbelief gave way to horror as he skimmed through the article, glancing again and again at the accompanying photograph showing Soifon's unconscious mother being carried by fourth division healers on a stretcher.

"…stormed the Kuchiki manor demanding justice…"

"…tried to deny any intimate relationship existed…"

"…one source revealed they have secretly been engaged for several…"

"…scandalizing all the noble houses…"

"…are rumors of pregnancy true?"

"No." Enjōji whispered. "Captain Soifon? Engaged? Pregnant? No. This can't be! NO!"

Throwing the paper to the ground, the huge shinigami took off down the street, hands over his tear filled eyes, his body wracked with sobs. Confused, the lieutenants looked at each other.

"What the hell was all that about?" Renji wondered.

* * *

><p>Standing before the assembled captains, Captain-Commander Yamamoto rapped his cane on the wooden floor to signal the end of their usual weekly meeting.<p>

"You are all dismissed except for Captain Soifon and Captain Kuchiki. I need a word with you two."

There were more than a few suppressed grins and some sympathetic glances from the departing captains. They'd all read the paper that morning and had a good idea what the commander wanted to talk about. Yamamoto waited until the last one was gone and the door was closed, before motioning them to come closer. He got out of his chair to meet them on the assembly hall floor. Soifon and Byakuya took their place one pace in front of him standing side by side.

"Tell me captains." He said frowning at them. "What is the purpose of the Gotei 13?"

Soifon glanced at Byakuya in confusion. "Um, well, we kill hollows and …"

"Balance, Captain Soifon!" Yamamoto interrupted. "We maintain the balance of the spiritual realm. Now how can I rely on you two to maintain balance if your own lives are _imbalanced_?"

"I'm not sure what you mean Commander." Byakuya said.

"I mean your personal lives are interfering with our work. I've had nobles from both your houses visit my office demanding to know what I was going to do about you two and you little affair."

"Commander, this is all just a misunderstanding." Soifon said waving her hands palm outward. "You see…"

"Silence!" Yamamoto thundered. "Spare me your flimsy excuses. I wasn't always this old you know. I remember what it was like to have those certain _urges_. But I never let it interfere with my work!"

Soifon suddenly had the unwelcome image pop into her mind of the Captain-Commander with _urges_.

She struggled to keep her lunch down.

**Note to Self:** _Never link the words "Yamamoto" and "Urges" together in your mind ever again! _

"You two have let this thing get out of hand!" He continued. "Now I don't care if you two were just blowing off some steam and got caught or if it's something more serious or whatever it may be. I want you to sort it out and never have your families bother me with it again!"

"We were not blowing off any steam!" Soifon protested. "We weren't even…"

"Sort! It! Out!" Yamamoto demanded striking the floor with is cane for emphasis after each word. "Dismissed!"

"But…"

Yamamoto leaned towards her, eyes narrowed with rapidly growing anger. "Dis-_missed_."

Soifon and Byakuya looked at each other. There was only one thing they could do.

"Yes, Captain-Commander." They said. They bowed low and took their leave. Yamamoto bowed shallowly back and made his way towards his private exit in the back. Soifon could hear him muttering to himself as he left.

"Hmph. Not just blowing off steam she says? Yes, I wasn't always this old. I remember what that felt like too."

Did she just hear him sniffle a little? Looking behind her, it looked like he was wiping his eyes. Then he was gone.

She sighed as she closed the assembly hall's door. "This thing really is getting out of hand."

"Have you managed to convince your mother of the truth yet?" Byakuya asked.

"She wouldn't even listen to me about the pregnancy thing." She replied as they made their way out of the courtyard. "I made an appointment to go to the fourth division this afternoon. She's going with me. The only way she'll believe I'm not pregnant is to hear it from Captain Unohana herself."

They exited the courtyard and turned onto the street heading towards the city center.

Byakuya frowned slightly. "I do not understand her persistence on this subject."

She shook her head in despair. "It's a clan honor thing. Not being a virgin before marriage would make me ineligible for a match with someone within the clan, not to mention the shame and loss of face if I had a child out of wedlock."

"Won't your examination show this is not the case?" He asked. "Both the pregnancy and the…other thing?'

Soifon stopped walking and gave him a _look_. He understood immediately.

"It is none of my business." He said resuming their walk.

They turned the corner, leaving the government sector and entering the shopping district. Stalls, street vendors and restaurants lined both sides.

"It's not like it doesn't happen." Soifon said defensively. "I mean if I was lower down in the hierarchy I doubt anyone would care. Besides, lots of girls in the clan have that suspicious glow at the altar, it's just that everybody kinda looks the other way when the couple has been engaged for awhile."

Suddenly, she had a brilliant idea.

"Byakuya, why don't we tell my mother we _are_ engaged?"

He stopped walking in surprise. "Why?"

"This will solve everything." She explained. "We'll tell mother we're engaged, then after she rants and raves for a while, she'll see she has no choice and has to accept it. Then she'll go home."

It would also just barely keep her mother from killing her for her…_ahem_…lack of purity.

"I fail to see how that solves everything." Byakuya said.

"It's simple." She replied. "After a couple of weeks, we'll publicly announce the engagement is off and everything will be back to normal. Mother will have to accept that too."

Byakuya lowered his head in thought. "It would keep the clan elders from pressuring me to marry, for a while at least."

"Yes!" Soifon exclaimed "Then after we 'break up' they'll have to leave you alone while you nurse your poor broken heart."

"There has to be some flaws in this plan." Byakuya pointed out. "It can't be this simple."

"We're captains." Soifon responded. "If we run into gaps in the plan, we'll improvise, adapt and overcome. It's what we do. C'mon Kuchiki. Take some risks! Live a little! For me?"

Byakuya's mouth twitched at the corners. He really was seeing a side to his diminutive colleague he never suspected existed before.

"Very well." He said. "We'll put your plan into action."

She gave a sigh of relief and resumed walking. "Thank you Byakuya. That's a load off my mind."

As they walked along, another thought hit her.

"On the downside, you're reputation will be mud with my clan forever."

"Oh?" he said raising an eyebrow.

She nodded. "Besides cruelly breaking off our engagement, you'll also be known as a cad for despoiling a poor innocent girl's virtue."

She tilted her head towards him and fluttered her eyelashes. He couldn't help but smile.

"Aww, look Ukitake." Kyōraku Shunsui called out from the café table where he sat with his friend. "Isn't young love beautiful?"

"Oh leave them alone Shunsui." Ukitake replied. "Can't you see they want some privacy?"

"You two shut up!" Soifon yelled, her face turning beet red. The two captains laughed and waved goodbye as she and Byakuya walked past, Shunsui toasting them with a cup of saké.

"I suppose we will have to get used to that." Byakuya said.

"Just one of those little flaws in the plan we were talking about." She responded. "Improvise, adapt and overcome. We won't have to put up with it for long."

Reluctantly, Byakuya nodded in agreement.

"I have to go." Soifon said. "I have to get to my Shinigami Women's Association meeting. I'll let you know how things go with mother tomorrow."

Byakuya bowed his head slightly in farewell, watching her go as she took a different path at the next crossroad.

Improvise, adapt and overcome, Soifon thought. A little flexibility and perseverance and we can get through this!

* * *

><p>She arrived early as always. Today's meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association was a part of her weekly routine. She wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary. As she usually did, she went to the sideboard and got herself some tea and refreshments. Taking her seat, she knew it would be a good fifteen minutes or so before the meeting started. She decided to pass the time as she usually did. She pulled a battered black cat plushy out of her haori pocket.<p>

"Would you like some tea, Ms. Yoruichi?" She subvocalized.

"_Yes, I would." _She answered herself in a high, squeaky voice. "_That would be nice."_

She briefly touched the rim of her teacup to the plushy's mouth.

"_Mmm, that was delicious! You make the best tea Soifon."_

"Really Ms. Youruichi?"

"_Really! You are the prettiest, smartest, and deadliest captain ever."_

"Oh stop, Ms. Yoruichi, I'm blushing."

"_It's true, Soifon. You're the best. I love you!"_

Lost in her role play, it took Soifon a while to realize someone was blocking the light. She looked up to see her fellow society members had surrounded her.

"What?" She demanded. They should know better than to interrupt her little tea ritual.

"Is it true what it says in the paper Captain Soifon?" Hinamori Momo asked. "Are you really engaged to Captain Kuchiki?"

Soifon's eyes flared wide in panic. Of course people would ask her about her relationship with Byakuya. She should have thought of that. She had been caught totally flat footed by Momo's questions. She needed to pull herself together and deal with this. Improvise, adapt and overcome!

"Well, we aren't ready to announce anything official." She answered hesitantly. "But yes, we are engaged."

The room broke out in delighted squeals and babbled congratulations from the shinigami women.

"_You're so lucky Captain!" "I knew it!" "Oh, I'm so jealous." "I'm so happy for you."_

"Is the paper right about the other thing too?" Isane asked. "Are you really expecting?"

Soifon's scowl caused the other women to pull back a little.

"No." she growled. "I am not pregnant."

"So how did you two get together, Captain?" Momo asked.

Soifon didn't understand. "We work together. I see him all the time."

"No, no." Momo said. "I mean, when did you realize it was love?"

This started a bombardment of questions from around the room.

"_When was your first date?" "When was your first kiss?" "Is he always so stiff?"_

Soifon's mind was a blank. She couldn't answer any of those questions. She never thought about any of those situations. What was she going to do?

**Note to self:** _Make up a good story about your relationship with Byakuya. Make sure __**he**__ knows it so we __**both**__ tell the __**same story**__!_

"We can talk about this later." She said waving her hand. "I'm sure it's almost time for the meeting to start."

"The meeting will not start for another ten minutes and forty-two seconds Captain Soifon." Nemu said.

"That's plenty of time." Momo said. "Tell us everything. I'm sure it was very romantic."

"Never mind that." Matsumoto said. "Let's skip to the important stuff. Tell us what he looks like naked!"

Soifon was shocked. "Need I remind you Lieutenant, you are addressing a superior officer?"

Matsumoto waved an admonishing finger at her. "Ah, ah, ah. Out there you are my superior, in here we're all equal, remember?"

She had forgotten. While at their club meetings, only the president and vice president were superior. She tried to deflect the question.

"Really Matsumoto-san, do I ask you questions like that?"

"You can if you want." She replied. "I don't mind. Heck, if I was dating Byakuya-kun, you couldn't get me to shut up! So come on, what does he look like?"

"I don't think anyone really wants to know that." Soifon answered.

"I do!" Kiyone said. Several other women nodded in agreement.

"You all saw him at the beach." Soifon pointed out.

"Yeah, that's true." Matsumoto agreed. Several women sighed in pleasure at the memory. "But we saw him while he was wearing trunks. You got to see _everything_. So give already! You can tell us. Like, how big is he?"

Soifon frowned. "He's about a half meter taller than me, you know that."

"No, no." Matsumoto clarified gesturing with her hands. "I mean how _big_ is he?"

Soifon jumped to her feet. "I am not going to answer a disgusting question like that! No decent person would ask such a thing! Hinamori-san, you agree with me, right?"

Momo had covered her face with her hands from embarrassment. Even so you could tell she was red as a stoplight. Nonetheless, she spread her fingers uncovering one eye before answering.

"Well, I am just a little curious, Captain Soifon."

"There you have it," Matsumoto crowed. "It's unanimous. Now spill it Captain, and don't leave out the good stuff."

"Yeah, give already." Kiyone said.

The rest of the women began to chant "Give, give, give, give!"

Soifon felt trapped. It was like all the air in the room was gone. She was cornered with nowhere to run, pressed about on all sides by women with lustful eyes chanting louder and louder, "Give, give, give, give!" She couldn't take it anymore!

"All right!" She screamed. "He's got a body like a greek statue and is an absolute stallion in the sack, ok! It that what you wanted to hear? Can we shut up about this now?"

"A stallion in a sack?" Yachiru said as she entered the room with Nanao. "Are we getting a pony?"

"No Madame President." Nemu answered. "Captain Soifon was referring to Captain Kuchiki's skill in performing the act of …"

Isane barely covered Nemu's mouth in time. Nanao clapped her hands over Yachru's ears.

"What depraved nonsense have you people been up to this time?" She asked.

"We've been talking to Captain Soifon about her engagement." Momo explained. "The story in the paper is true! Isn't that great?"

Nemu pulled Isane's hand off of her mouth. "This led to the discussion you walked in on. We were asking the Captain about Kuchiki-san's unclothed appearance, especially when he is physically arou…."

Matsumoto covered her mouth that time.

Nanao could feel her cheeks burning as she looked at Soifon in astonishment. "Congratulations Captain Soifon. The Shinigami Women's Association will recognize your joyous event more formally later. However, I really don't think this is the right time or place to be discussing your betrothed's…anatomy."

"But I didn't start it." Soifon protested.

"Let go of my ears Nanao-chan." Yachiru complained squirming away from her. "Why are you guys always doing stuff like that? I'm the president! Now let's get going so I can have some snacks."

"You heard the president." Nanao said. "Please get your refreshments and take your seat so we can get the meeting started."

The women made their way towards their seats, most stopping to shake Soifon's hand or clap her on the shoulder, wishing her good luck or offering their congratulations one more time. When they were done, she sat down at the table and clutched her cat plushy tight against her chest. It hadn't been even one day and already she was getting squashed under a rapidly expanding snowball of lies.

"Just a little while longer Ms. Yoruichi." She whispered to the stuffed cat. "I only have to pretend for a little while longer. You'll see. We'll announce the breakup of this fake engagement and this will all blow over."

It didn't make her feel much better. Ms. Yoruichi seemed to glare at her, shame and disappointment in her googly eyes.

"_Liar." _She seemed to say._ "You have no honor."_

Unable to bear the cat's accusing gaze, she guiltily stuffed her back into her haori pocket and tried to pay attention to the meeting.


	4. The Bee Engaged

**Summary:** Soifon's plan may not be as brilliant as she thinks it is…

"Uwah-ha-ha-ha!"

The wailing sobs filled the courtyard of the eighth division's compound echoing off the walls. Third Seat Tatsufusa Enjōji sat cross-legged on the ground in the middle of the courtyard, tears rolling down his rugged face. He cried with intensity of a man whose heart had been ripped from his chest and stomped on. His agony seemed infinite and inconsolable. Whenever he would calm down enough to be able to read, he would glance down at the newspaper in his lap. Though soaked with his tears, the headline was clear enough.

"Byakuya and Soifon – ENGAGED!"

"UWAH-HA-HA-HA!"

"Good grief, who's torturing a cow out here?" Ise Nanao complained as she came outside. She nearly tripped over her captain who was taking a nap on the sunny porch, sake bottle in hand and hat over his face.

"Captain! How can you sleep with all this racket? Aren't you going to do something?"

Kyōraku Shunsui's only response was to start scratching himself in what Nanao thought was a most inappropriate place considering he was in public and in broad daylight. She turned her head away and blushed, but continued to protest.

"Captain, if you don't do something about this then I will." Glancing down, she saw he still wasn't responding.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?" She demanded. He didn't even twitch

"Captain?"

Either he was really drunk, or…

Bending down, she snatched his hat off of his face. He winced and turned his head as the light struck his eyes. It made the bright yellow earplugs he was wearing very visible. Angrily, Nanao grabbed the plug and yanked it from his ear.

"Captain, wake up!" She yelled.

"Ow." Shunsui sleepily protested as he rubbed his ear. "Nanao-chan, be gentle. I was having such a lovely dream too. You were in it. Do you want to hear about it?"

"Absolutely not!" Nanao replied. "I'm sure it was something sick and perverted anyway."

"Well actually…" Shunsui began with a naughty grin.

"I said I don't want to hear it!" She said throwing his hat back at his face. "Besides, you need to get up and do something about Third Seat Tatsufusa."

Shunsui groggily forced himself up into a seated position and put his hat back on his head. He took the remaining earplug out of his ear and looked out into the courtyard where Tatsufusa sat, soggy rags of newspaper scrap clutched to his chest.

"I already tried." He said. "He's very hurt by losing Captain Soifon to Kuchiki-kun."

"How?" Nanao exclaimed. "She was never his to begin with. I doubt Captain Soifon knows he exists."

Shunsui smiled nostalgically and took a swig from his sake bottle.

"Sometimes love from afar can be the sweetest love of all." He mused. "Yearning for someone so high above you, knowing they can never be yours, it is a delicious agony. Still, you have to know when to give it up. I told him, it is sad to have lost this particular flower, but he needs to look around. The world is filled with beautiful flowers, each with their own special charms. Indeed, as a man you are obliged to be like the honeybee, visiting as many flowers as you can, sharing the sweetness of their nectar to help them bloom."

Nanao sniffed in disgust. "I suppose one flower is just as good as another to you?"

"Of course not." Shunsui said while rising to his feet. "While all flowers are beautiful in their own unique way, some flowers keep their true beauty hidden away. These are the kind a bee finds fascinating and it makes him work harder to get inside."

He gently reached his free hand out towards her face. She whacked it with her book before he even got close.

"Such sharp thorns!" Shunsui whined as he pulled his hand back.

"If you are quite finished with this nonsense, what are you going to do about Third Seat Tatsufusa?" Nanao demanded. "He's embarrassing the whole division with this display. Can't you at least make him go somewhere else?"

He shrugged and stepped down from the porch into the courtyard. "I'll see what I can do. It won't be easy. Wounds to the heart hurt most of all."

* * *

><p>"I do not understand." Byakuya said as they walked down the street. "Why does your mother want to see me? Didn't she believe you when you told her we were engaged?"<p>

"I'm not sure." Soifon replied. "She kept looking at me funny and pressing me for details. Good thing it was late after my examination so I had an excuse to go home."

That had been the most humiliating experience in Soifon's life. Captain Unohana cheerfully told her mother that Soifon wasn't pregnant _this time_, but considering Captain Kuchiki's powerful reiatsu, she recommended using some form of birth control if the young couple were to continue being sexually active. That was followed by demonstrations of the various methods they could use on models, Captain Unohana deftly slipping the various prophylactics on the anatomically correct mock ups, never once losing her tranquil smile. It didn't help at all that her mother kept poking her in the ribs, saying "Did you get that? Are you paying attention?" She was a grown woman dammit! Why did she keep letting her mother push her around like that? As she remembered why, she rubbed her still bruised ear. For a little old lady, her mother could pinch like a vise grip!

"So did you memorize the story I sent you about how we met?" She asked

"I don't think it's going to work." He replied.

"Why not?" Soifon said. "It's realistic and most of those events actually happened. Why wouldn't it work?"

Byakuya held up his hand as he counted the various points off on his fingers. "First, you were never my bodyguard. Second, we never trained together. Third, we had no traumatic separation leading to a tear-filled reconciliation."

"Well I'm sorry." Soifon grumped. "You have to write what you know. We're almost at my compound. What are you going to tell her?"

"I will improvise, adapt and overcome." He replied as they entered the gate.

Soifon shook her head at hearing her own words thrown back at her and took the lead, taking Byakuya to the visitor's lounge where her mother, Su-Yin, was waiting. Byakuya greeted her with polished, impeccable manners as befitting someone from his class. Soifon had Omaeda serve tea and refreshments before kicking him out, making it painfully clear what terrible, _terrible_ things would happen to him if they were disturbed by anyone short of the Captain-Commander himself. She sat down next to Byakuya facing her mother over the low table as they engaged in the necessary polite chit-chat required before they could get on to their real business. It was Su-yin who made the first move.

"So I am to believe you wish to marry my daughter Kuchiki-dono?" she asked skeptically.

Byakuya nodded gravely. "I have asked for your daughter's hand in marriage Madame Fon. It is my hope that I may also receive your blessing."

"Not so fast." Su-yin said. "First I want to know why you want to marry my daughter now that I've eliminated the obvious. It makes no sense. You are from different social stations. I'm sure there are many women it would be far more advantageous for you to marry as a nobleman."

Soifon waived her hands haphazardly as she began to explain. "Well, you see mother…"

"Not you!" Su-Yin snapped. "I want to hear it from your so-called fiancé."

She turned back to Baykuya. "So tell me Kuchiki-dono, why exactly are you ignoring your own clan's customs and protocols to marry my daughter?"

"Class distinctions and political alliances mean little to me, Madame Fon." Byakuya replied. "You may have heard about my first marriage with my now departed wife."

Su-yin nodded gravely in acknowledgment. Byakuya's defiance of his clan to marry a commoner was widely known. Even now, Byakuya's face conveyed the deep love and respect he had for Hisana.

Byakuya continued. "What matters to me is a woman's character. Your daughter has favorably impressed me and awakened feelings I thought I no longer possessed. It would bring me great happiness to share the rest of my life with her. It is my hope that she feels the same."

Wow, Soifon thought as she stared up at his face, He's such a great actor! He sounded completely sincere. It helped a lot that he kept his typical poker face. She could see her mother's eyes narrow as she tried to get a read on him. It was obvious Byakuya's true emotions were a mystery to her.

"So tell me how you two met." She prompted.

"Oh, that's a funny story." Soifon said. "You see…"

"Not. Asking. You." Su-yin growled. "Please continue Kuchiki-dono."

Byakuya glanced at Soifon before answering. "As we are both captains in the Gotei 13, we met during the course of our duties."

"That's it?" Su-Yin asked "You just met at work? That doesn't sound very romantic to me."

"There's more to it than that of course." Soifon insisted. "You see…"

"Shush!" Her mother barked. "One more outburst from you young lady and its soap time!"

Soifon involuntarily covered her mouth with her hands. She still had vivid memories of standing for hours with a bar of Su-Yin's stinky homemade soap in her mouth.

"You were saying, Kuchiki-dono?" Su-Yin asked sweetly.

Byakuya took a deep breath before continuing.

"As your daughter says, there is more to it than that." He said. "For years, we merely worked in our respective divisions, meeting only on professional occasions. I never noticed your daughter in anything other than a professional capacity until one certain day."

He stood up a little straighter and his eyes took on a faraway look, as if remembering some treasured vision from long ago.

"It was a spring. The division officers were invited to the first division compound to enjoy the flowering of the cherry blossoms. I attended out of obligation, but had no desire to participate. Such frivolities hold no interest for me and I soon found myself wandering among the orchard alone. The appearance of the trees meant nothing to me. They passed unseen before my eyes as I walked aimlessly, seeking only to avoid my fellow officer's company. However, I soon discovered I was not the only one."

He leaned forward slightly, looking deeply into Su-Yin's eyes as he related the rest of his story.

"Obscured by the falling petals, I saw a figure approaching. I stopped, not wishing to meet anyone. Without her noticing me, your daughter walked out into a clearing. She reached out to catch a falling blossom in her hand. I could see her face as she gazed at the flower, joy and wonder in her eyes. Holding up her hand, she blew it back into the air and laughed with the simple pleasure such beauty brought to her. I saw the orchard in a different light and realized the beauty around me I had been missing. I looked at your daughter and also saw the beauty she had kept hidden within. In that moment, I became obsessed. I wished to stay in that beautiful world your daughter revealed to me. Nothing would satisfy me until I came to know her and explore the wondrous spirit I saw that day. I'm afraid in my obsession, I took liberties with your daughter that I should have found the strength to resist. I offer you my deepest apologies."

Suiting actions to words, he bowed humbly to Su-Yin. Soifon stared at him in amazement. Absolutely none of that had happened, but she was halfway convinced it was true herself. Byakuya was amazing! As he returned to a seated position, Su-Yin turned to Soifon, her expression unreadable. After a moment, she spoke.

"My daughter, "she said, "I truly wished I had known I would hear such a story before I came here today."

"Why do you say that mother?" Soifon asked, somewhat puzzled.

"If I had known, I would have chosen to wear my knee high boots." Su-Yin replied "Because it is _really_ getting deep in here!"

"What!" Soifon said in shock. "You didn't believe him? I mean that was romantic as all hell!"

"Oh it was a real corker all right." Su-Yin agreed. "But something is just not adding up. You two don't act like a serious couple. Your words say one thing Kuchiki-donno, but your body language is all wrong. Look at how you're sitting, how you're spaced apart."

"We're being polite." Soifon protested. "We don't want to act improper in front of you, that's all."

Su-Yin shook her head. "When two people are in love, they constantly lean towards each other a little, like they're being pulled towards each other even if they are on opposite sides of the room. I'm just not seeing that kind of magnetism between you."

"Well he's not a demonstrative man mother." Soifon explained. "In fact, when nobody's around, why, we just can't keep our hands off each other."

Scooting over to Byakuya, she clumsily threw her arms around his waist and gave him a bear hug.

"Grrr, I just love cuddling with him!"

Startled, it took Byakuya a second to react. He clumsily draped an arm around her shoulders.

"I don't know." Su-Yin drawled rubbing her chin. "How do I know you're not just making this all up to cover up your little drunken fling? You could be feeding me a pack of lies just to get me to go home, and then in a week or two you'll announce that you're _'breaking up'_."

Soifon was beginning to panic. How was her mother able to figure her out so easily? Her mind flailed wildly about as she desperately tried to find a solution to the problem.

"We don't look like a young couple madly in love?" Soifon asked weakly, giving Byakuya a half-hearted squeeze.

"Not from where I'm sitting." Su-Yin sneered.

"Of course we are!" Soifon insisted as she let Byakuya go. "We are totally in love! Why else would he sit here and be humiliated like this?"

Su-Yin leaned back as she considered this.

"You have a point." She allowed. "Still, I'm not convinced."

"You want more proof?" Soifon cried.

Su-Yin gave an evil grin. "If you think you can prove it, yes."

Soifon scowled in determination. It was going to be tough, it was going to require sacrifice, but she would not back down from her mother's challenge.

"Oh, I'll prove it all right!" She declared. She turned to face Byakuya.

"Kiss me." She ordered.

He raised an eyebrow. "Kiss you? Now?"

"Yes _darling_." She replied through gritted teeth. "Kiss me. Like you always do when we're alone. Kiss me like you really, _really_ mean it."

She rolled her eyes a few times towards her mother for emphasis. He almost frowned. Clearly this was going beyond what he expected to do for this little charade. She looked back at him with her eyes wide in mute appeal. With an almost inaudible sigh he gave in. He leaned in towards her to give her a kiss.

Soifon closed her eyes as Byakuya's face drew near. This was so humiliating. She was glad people normally closed their eyes during kissing. It made her anticipation more bearable. She fought back unpleasant memories of the clumsy, greedy kisses boys had given her in the past. She didn't look forward to putting up with more of that, but she had to convince her mother!

When Byakuya's lips met hers, she was actually surprised. There was no awkward pawing, no trying to force his tongue into her mouth. His hand gently cupped her face as he kissed her, his mouth seeking, not demanding, asking, not forcing. He didn't even have bad breath! In fact, with her eyes closed and his hair tickling her face, it wasn't at all hard to imagine him as…_someone else_. Embracing the fantasy, Soifon's arms circled around her imagined lover's/Byakuya's back. Fire spread through her body as her fingers dug into flesh. A moan rose from chest as she gave herself totally to her passion.

"All right, all right, that's enough!" Su-Yin shouted turning her face away in embarrassment.

Byakuya quickly disengaged, needing a second or two to get Soifon's arms unlocked. She swayed slightly as she let go, flushed and dizzy from lack of oxygen.

"See mother," she panted, "totally in love."

"Fine." Su-Yin said with a frown. "I believe you. So you're really going to get married?"

"That's right."Soifon confirmed. "We are. Nothing could ever make us want to break up."

"Nothing?" Her mother asked.

"Nope." Soifon answered. "We're going to get married no matter what happens, even if both our families disapprove, any time, any place."

Byakuya coughed in warning, but it was already too late. Su-Yin pounced on her words!

"Any time you say? Well that suits me just fine." She pulled out a pad and pen and scribbled down some information. "Kuchiki-dono, please have your people meet with mine at this time and place. There should be no problem making arrangements for your wedding. If you two are ready to be married at anytime, there's no reason not to do it now, eh?"

Byakuya, somewhat stunned, accepted the paper as Su-Yin rose to her feet.

"Mother, you can't be serious?" Soifon squeaked.

"What's that?" Su-Yin shot back. "I thought you just said any time, any place. Are you going back on your word?"

"Um, well, I, that is…no." Soifon meekly replied shrinking from her mother's withering gaze.

"Then it's settled." Su-Yin said with a nod. She gave Byakuya a smile. "Welcome to the family Kuchiki-dono. I'll see the both of you later."

Still smiling, Su-Yin made her way out giving a little wave as she stepped out the door. The room was thunderously silent in her absence. Slowly, Soifon turned her head to look at Byakuya. She'd never seen so much emotion in his face before. Too bad it was 100% pure rage.

"Don't worry." She assured him. "I'll think of a way out of this."

"The meeting she requested is in three days." Byakuya ground out between clenched teeth.

"See, plenty of time." Soifon replied. "I tell you what. I'll go to the library and look over the clan's wedding customs. I'm sure there's something I can find that'll give us an excuse to call this off."

Byakuya did not speak. His eyes bored into hers with the intensity of a nuclear blast. Soifon forced herself to smile.

"Trust me!"

* * *

><p>Soifon struggled to her feet with the tray carrying the family's breakfast. Her huge stomach was throwing her off balance. Was she really going to have to put up with this for another two weeks? And it was going to be twins again! The polished floorboards were cool on her bare feet as she set the table. She was just in time as Byakuya entered the dining room.<p>

"Good morning husband," She greeted him, "I made your favorite today."

"I have no time." He replied pouring himself a cup of tea. "I will pick up something on my way to work."

"You haven't eaten at home all week." Soifon complained. "Are you at least going to be home in time for supper?"

"I doubt it." He said heading out the door.

"The children are beginning to forget what their father looks like." She pointed out as she followed him down the hall.

"My work is important." He coolly replied. "It cannot be helped."

"More important than your own family? More important than me?"

Unable to see the floor, she tripped over one of the children's toys. Stifling a curse at the pain in her bare foot, she had to grab the wall to maintain her balance. Byakuya was exiting the house as she waddled to catch up.

"Should I least send you something for lunch?" she shouted at his retreating back. He did not answer. Someone tugged at Soifon's kimono.

"Mama," Keiko said, "I'm hungry."

"Go sit at the table." Soifon replied. "We'll eat in a second."

"Mama!" Ryu cried. "Tadaaki hit me!"

"Well you should have dodged and counter-attacked. Now go sit down, we're about to eat."

"Mama!" Tamiyo called out. "Koto and Koyo are playing in the toilet again!"

"Well get them out of the toilet, I can barely move here."

"Mama, I'm still hungry!"

"In a minute."

"He's still hitting me!"

"Stop that!"

"Mama, mama!"

"Just a second."

"Mama! Mama!"

Where was that one coming from?

"MAMA! MAMA!"

They're seemed to be children everywhere, crawling, running, crying and shouting. One stomped on her bare foot forcing her to sit down. Immediately a tidal wave of grubby faces and sticky hands surged towards her.

"_MAMA! MAMA_!"

She was being overwhelmed! Suffocated! There was no way for her to escape. And the children kept screaming louder and louder.

"_MAMA! MAMA!** MAMA! **__**MAMAAAAAAA!**__**!**"_

"_**AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

Soifon's heart was trying to pound its way out of her chest as she sat bolt upright. Someone angrily shushed at her. Slowly, she began to remember where she was. She was in the great library. The desk in front of her was covered in books and hastily scrawled notes. Feeling something on her face, she found a piece of paper stuck to her cheek. She pulled it off and placed it on the desk. She had fallen asleep. Thank goodness it was only a dream. She gratefully put her hand on her flat stomach. Checking the time, she saw it was very late.

**Note to Self:** _Calm down! We have three whole days. We're bound to find something to get us out of this._

Figuring she wasn't going to get anything else done that night, she gathered up her notes and picked up the books to return them to the shelf.


	5. The Bee Committed

**Summary:** Is this the last chance for Soifon to put a stop to this? She'd better not mess it up.

You could hardly hear yourself think with all the hustle and bustle in the ninth division's newsroom. The clacking of keyboards, the yells of the editors and conversations of dozens of phone conversations filled the air, mixing into a wall of white noise. Apprentices and cub reporters scurried here and there with notepads or armloads of papers, sketch artists worked to illustrate columns and the copy editors struggled with the next issue's layout. Though it looked like utter chaos to the outsider, they were all united in one goal, struggling against the omnipresent deadline to present their readers with the finest news possible. It was a shock when their routine was disrupted. A strange looking shingami in a trench coat and fedora pulled low over his eyes burst into the room.

"Quick!" the man blurted out, "you have to hide me!"

"What's wrong Hisagi-san?" The managing editor asked.

"How did you know it was me?" Hisagi Shūhei demanded removing his hat.

"You have '69' tattooed on your face sir." He pointed out.

"Dammit! That's probably how she spotted me." Shūhei swore. He put his hat on and began to walk backwards into the newsroom giving instructions as he went. "Look, she's right behind me. Stall her for me so I can escape."

"Who's _she_ Lieutenant?"

"You'll see." Shūhei called out as he ducked out the rear exit.

The door barely had time to close before Soifon charged in at a run.

"Where is he?" She shouted. "I know he's in here!"

"Where's who?" The managing editor asked as innocently as he could.

"Don't play dumb with me." She snarled. "I just saw your boss duck in here. He owes me a gallon of blood and I'm here to collect!"

"Are you s-s-sure it was him?" He bravely countered. "You c-c-could have been mistaken."

Soifon grabbed the man by his lapels and pulled him nose to nose.

"It was him all right." She hissed. "He's the only shinigami running around Seireitai in a hat and trench coat thinking it's a good disguise. Now are you going to tell me where he is or…"

Suddenly, the editor felt cold steel pricking his throat. He was a brave man, and loyal to his Lieutenant, but hey, who was going to get the evening edition out if he was decapitated?

"That way." He squeaked pointing to the back door. "He went that way."

"Thank you." Soifon said with a sarcastic smile. She stomped down the center of the room, shinigami jumping to get out of her way. Just before she reached the door, something caught her eye. She reached over to snatch a paper out of a cowering reporter's hands.

"ByaSoi reportedly setting the wedding date in a hurry." She read aloud. "Pregnancy rumors true? _What_? You're doing _another_ story on me? Don't you people have anything better to write about? And _**I'M NOT PREGNANT!**_"

Crumpling the paper in a ball, she threw it at the reporter she took it from and stormed out the door, slamming it as she left.

Kicking a few more doors in and shaking a few more people finally brought her to Hisagi's hiding place. The press room. Even as she entered the room with its enormous roaring machines, she could feel his reiatsu leaking from somewhere towards the back.

"Hisagi!" She shouted over the clamor of the printing machines. "You know I'm going to find you. Come out and take your beating like a man!"

She waited for a second to see if that would work. She wasn't surprised when it didn't. Taking a look around, she had to admit it was impressive to see the massive rollers taking in a continuous sheet of paper, printing on both sides of it, then sending to the next machine for coloring, then cutting, then folding with the finished product streaming out the end on conveyors. The noise and motion it generated made it a perfect hiding spot. She would have to be careful not to get caught up in the machines even as they hampered her ability to stalk. It wouldn't be enough to save Hisagi though. She felt him moving as she approached. Stealth was almost totally unnecessary here. She could barely hear in all the clattering and rattling, there was no need to hide her footsteps. She was much better at hiding her reiatsu, so he wouldn't be able to feel her coming that way. She felt his presence shrink and disappear. He must be concentrating with all his strength to hold his energy in, she thought. That meant it was all down to who saw the other first. Speaking of which, she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye. Was that a silhouette of someone wearing a hat and coat in the shadows? Suddenly, the shape began to move.

"There you are!" She crowed, a wave of kunai flying from her hands. Three of them struck the figure in the dark, taking it down. Soifon gave a feral grin as she ran to her victim. She ripped off the hat and coat to reveal…a hat rack. She'd killed a damned hat rack. Looking at the base, she saw a sting attached to it. She followed the string all the way to an emergency exit. Shoving it open, she saw it lead outside.

"You can't run from me forever, lieutenant!" she shouted.

Suddenly, she stopped. An alarm came from her sash. Pulling out her phone, she saw an appointment reminder on her screen. She growled in frustration.

"You are so lucky I have somewhere else I need to be at right now Hisagi Shūhei." She shouted into the air. "But I'll be back!"

With a brief flicker, she was gone. On the roof, Shūhei gave a sigh of relief. That was close. The last few weeks had been pretty tense. Still it was worth it. What a scoop! Circulation had never been higher. Sales were through the roof! He drooled as he thought about the special edition he would put out for the wedding. This was the kind of thing every newsman dreamed about. In fact, now that his heart had stopped trying to beat through his ribcage, he began to wonder where Soifon was off to in such a hurry.

* * *

><p>"Sorry I'm late." Soifon apologized as she entered the room.<p>

In order to meet with the Kuchiki family representative on neutral ground, Su-yin had rented a conference room in the back of one of Seireitai's nicer restaurants. Not owned by either clan, there would be no perception of a home field advantage for the negotiations. Byakuya was there with his majordomo and two of his clan elders. Su-yin had brought along Uncle Shu-yen and Uncle Qi-chang. They weren't really her uncles actually, they were only distantly related to her. They were, however, powerful members of the clan and greatly respected. They were also incredibly old. Uncle Qi-chang was already nodding off over his tea. It was obvious Su-yin was going to run the whole show. Her mother gave her a sour, disapproving look as she took her seat.

"I would think you would be a little more prompt considering we are planning what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life." She said with a scowl.

"I'm glad you brought that up." Soifon replied as she opened the satchel she was carrying and took out several folders. "I went through the books on both clans wedding customs and I have several ideas I want to present. I made copies for everyone."

She tried not to smile too widely as she held out the folders. She had scoured the books for days all right, and she believed she had found the perfect way to disrupt the wedding plans. To her dismay, no one reached out to take a folder.

"Went through the clans books on wedding customs, eh?" He mother asked. "Did you miss the part where it says you don't get to talk?"

"Huh?" Soifon blurted out.

"It's in the first chapter of the book." Su-yin said. "If we were doing things the right way, this would be where you and your future husband are first introduced to each other having never met before. You are only allowed to sit there and look like good wife material. Did you skip that part or something?"

"Um…I may have." Soifon admitted in a small voice. It had been titled "Matchmaking & Betrothal". She figured they were past that part and hadn't given it a second thought.

**Note to Self:** _Read the __WHOLE__ BOOK__ next time.  
><em>

"Can't we keep this informal?" She asked waving the folders. "I came up with a lot of great ideas."

"You've embarrassed the family enough with your _informality_." Her mother said. "From this point forward, we are following tradition. Now sit there, be quiet and try to look marry-able."

Soifon looked across the table at Byakuya, embarrassment and desperation on her face. What could she do? Byakuya gave a barely perceivable shrug. They would just have to wait and see.

As the initiator of the meeting, Su-yin began the ceremony formally introducing Soifon and her uncle's to the Kuchiki delegation. Byakuya's majordomo did the honors of introducing his clan's representatives, Kyubei Ryoma and Kanada Jiro. After all proper gestures of respect had been shown Su-yin began the formal negotiations.

"Members of the Kuchiki clan, my thanks to you for meeting with us here today to discuss the union of our two houses." She said. "May I present to you my most unworthy daughter as a potential bride to the head of the Kuchiki clan."

"We accept your daughter as Lord Byakuya's chosen consort and welcome her into the family." Ryoma replied.

"I know our clan's customs differ greatly from your own." Su-yin said. "In this unusual situation, we tried to make allowances for that as we came up with the wedding plan. To start, we have carefully gone over both Lord Byakuya's and my daughter's horoscopes. We feel that this day would be the most auspicious for their wedding."

Uncle Shu-yen passed out copies of their plan to the Kuchiki delegation.

"This is unacceptable." Jiro huffed. "Our clan chooses this date. It is an important anniversary and more fitting for our Clan Chief's marriage."

More papers were passed across the table. Su-yin frowned

"This is a terrible date."She declared. "All the stars are in conflict. This is no way to start a marriage."

"I didn't know stars cared so much about people's affairs." Jiro sniffed.

"Can I make a suggestion?" Soifon asked raising her hand.

"No." Su-yin snapped.

"Look, we don't have to settle this right away." Ryoma interjected. "Why don't we look at the location instead?"

"That's easy." Su-yin said. "They should be married at our family's shrine. Couples married there are famous for being blessed with fertility. I was married there and had six children."

"Impossible." Jiro objected. "Someone of Lord Byakuya's stature will have far more guests than your shrine could hold. Common sense would dictate we use our clan's shrine."

"Don't get ahead of yourself." Su-yin retorted. "We haven't even started on our guest list yet."

"Actually, I have a location in mind." Soifon offered.

"Be quiet girl." Su-yin barked. "These are very delicate negotiations."

"Perhaps we should set that aside as well." Ryoma said. "Maybe we should look at what kind of ceremony they should have."

Su-yin smiled. "Yes, I have already given this a great deal of thought. Uncle Qi-chang?"

Looking down the table, they saw the venerable elder's eyes were closed, his hands folded across his chest. As the room fell silent, his gentle snoring became noticeable. Shu-yen nudged him with his elbow.

"Qi-chang" he said as the elder started into wakefulness. "We're ready for the drawings now."

Nodding and smiling, Uncle Qi-chang placed a large sketch pad on the table. Turning over the cover, he revealed a drawing of Soifon in a beautiful Ming dynasty style red wedding dress.

"We picture a simple traditional ceremony starting with a procession to the shrine." He said.

The next sketch showed Soifon being carried through the streets in a sedan chair.

"Then meeting the groom and proceeding to the temple."

A picture of Byakuya in traditional blue wedding garb was next.

"Then the swearing of the vows at the temple with the traditional conclusion."

The last drawing showed Soifon and Byakuya holding a red ribbon tied in the middle with an elaborate bow.

"This is all just a broad overview of course. It's more to show you the style of the thing. Shu-yen had a more detailed outline he can give you."

"I believe we will have no choice but to follow your ceremony." Jiro sneered. "We can hardly use ours."

Su-yin gritted her teeth. She knew where he was going with this, but she still couldn't stop herself.

"And why is that?" She asked.

"Your daughter would be painted white from head to toe to proclaim her status as a maiden to gods and all who see her." He jeered. "Everyone in Seireitai knows that to be lie by now!"

Su-yin shot to her feet.

"I have had enough out of you, you puffed up arrogant toad! Who do you think you are looking down on my daughter? You're only a clan elder because of your textile business!"

"At least I belong to one of the great houses, unlike you." He shot back. "You're all just the hangers-on of the tarnished House of Shihōin. Where do you get off talking to us as though you were equal?"

"Hey! You can't talk to my mother that way!" Soifon protested as she also stood up.

"Kanada Jiro, you are being unforgivably rude." Byakuya added.

"A thousand pardons Lord Byakuya." Jiro replied. "I'm merely trying to defend our House's honor. A union with the House of Kuchiki cannot be brought down to the level of street peddlers. _They_ should be compelled to follow whatever decisions _we_ make for this wedding."

"Well you're wrong." Soifon asserted. "Our relationship has nothing to do with who's from which House. We are both Captains in the Gotei 13. Both equals. We are not going to play these silly political games. Isn't that right Byakuya?"

Looking across the table at him, she was dismayed to see he would not meet her eyes,

"Byakuya?"

Clearing his throat first, he carefully answered her.

"While Kanada-san has been crude and insulting, he is not wholly wrong."

Soifon's eyebrows shot up as her eyes widened in shock.

"What? You're taking his side?"

"I am not taking his side." Byakuya clarified. "I am simply acknowledging that as the head of one of the Four Families, there are certain political realities I must address. Someone from your position in society may not understand that."

"Someone from my position?" She repeated. "Someone from my position! I don't believe this. You do look down on me!"

"That is not true." Byakuya insisted. "I'm simply saying things are different for me as head of one of the Four Families."

"As opposed to me, I suppose, a mere 'hanger-on of a tarnished house'?"

"I didn't say that." He said rising from his seat to stand before her. "You don't understand."

"Understand _this_ Kuchiki Byakuya."

The room echoed with the slap she delivered to his face.

"Mother was right about you. You do think you're better than me. I never want to see you again!"

Ignoring the open mouthed stares of the clan representatives and her mother, she fled from the room. Striding rapidly down the hall, she sought sanctuary in the ladies room. Leaning against the door, she took a deep breath, then another.

"Stupid, arrogant, aristocratic bastard." She whispered to herself.

Stepping over to the sink, she opened the tap, letting the water run into her hands, then hurriedly scrubbing her face. She was not going to cry dammit. She was not going to cry! Looking up at the mirror, she took a good look at her face. She looked deep into her puffy eyes, took note of the trembling lips. She reached out and grasped the frame of the mirror with both hands.

"_WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU_?" she shouted.

She smacked her face into her palm in disgust. How had she allowed herself to get so wrapped up in all this? She actually got caught up in all the drama and forgot her objective. This is what she wanted! She was free from this ridiculous farce. Now she could finally get back to her life. Looking at herself in the mirror again, she shook her head.

"You idiot." She said with a rueful grin. She wiped off her face, straightened out her clothes and pulled herself to her full height. She smiled

"Free at last." She said to her reflection. "Not quite how we planned it, but we are _free...at…last!"_

Suddenly, the door opened. Soifon turned to see her mother standing there, her face as expressionless as a stone.

"Mother." Soifon began. "Mother, I'm sorry. I know I must have embarrassed you, but I…"

Suddenly, Soifon noticed something odd. There was something on her mother's face. Was that…a tear?

"Mother?"

"It's all my fault!" Su-yin wailed as she buried her face in her hands. "It's all my fault! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Soifon could do nothing at first. She had never seen her mother cry before. Looking around, she grabbed a couple of paper towels, then gingerly steered her mother to the small sofa in the corner.

"Don't cry mother." She pleaded while offering her the towels. "It's not your fault they're a bunch of snobs. You were right, we were too different. It would never have worked out."

Su-tin took the towels and dabbed at her streaming eyes.

"You don't understand. I did that on purpose. I deliberately tried to break you two up."

Soifon stared at her in disbelief. "You tried to break us up? What are you talking about?"

"I'm a terrible mother." Su-yin sobbed. "When you walked out of the room, I realized I was being stubborn on purpose. I don't know why I did that. I could have been more flexible and made some compromises. I could have made the meeting a success. Then I realized what I was doing. I was deliberately sabotaging your wedding plans. Deep down inside, I…I envied you. You looked so happy and in love and I never had that. I was forced into marriage with a complete stranger. Oh, your father was all right and he had the decency to die honorably on a mission, but I never really loved him. Not the way you love Lord Byakuya. I was actually angry at you for being so blessed. Because of that, I was going to ruin my own daughter's happiness. Can you ever forgive me my daughter? Can you forgive your mother for being a jealous old fool?"

"Of course I can Mother." Soifon crooned as she wrapped her arms around Su-yin's surprisingly thin form. "I understand. It's all right."

When was the last time they embraced like this, she wondered? When she was a little girl? They rocked back and forth on the couch as Su-yin cried herself out. As her sobs died down, Soifon let her go.

"Well, what's done is done." Soifon said. "Now that our engagement is over, I'll just have to go back to dedicating my life to my work. You can accept that, can't you Mother?"

"No need for that." Her mother replied with a proud grin. "You'll be happy to know that after you left, we worked everything out."

Soifon's jaw dropped. "You what?"

"We worked everything out." Su-yin repeated. "After your fiancé sent that fat buffoon Kanada away, that nice Kyubei-san came up with the perfect compromise solution."

"That fast?" Soifon asked. "I was only gone a few minutes."

Su-yin nodded. "That's because it is as simple as it is elegant. Since the union of our clans is a new thing, we will use a new ceremony. We decided to go with the western style wedding they use in the real world. It's a lovely ceremony, it honors both clans equally and apparently, nobody really takes the white dress seriously. It's perfect for you!"

Soifon's mouth was frozen open. She was back on the hook again!

"No need to thank me." Su-yin said grinning triumphantly. "The happiness on your face is all the thanks I need."

Soifon finally found her voice. "But I told Byakuya I never wanted to see him again."

"And I apologized for you." Su-yin assured her. "I begged him to forgive you and not break off your engagement. He understands you are under a lot of strain and didn't really mean it. He apologized too. He said he was sorry he ever gave you the impression he looks down on you. You should have heard it. He's very good with words you know. You didn't really mean that did you?"

Soifon vigorously shook her head. "No, no, of course not Mother. It's like you said, under a lot of strain and all that. I mean, we love each other so much that we defied society's norms to be together, it would look really odd if we broke up after just one argument wouldn't it? So he's really still going to go through with this?"

Su-yin nodded. "Of course. You're so lucky to have found such an understanding man. I'm more sure than ever that you will be happy together. I'm already looking forward to many grandchildren."

Soifon's mind whirled as she tried t make sense of it all. Why did Byakuya agree to this? He couldn't actually want to marry her. He must have some kind of plan.

"This is great." She forced out of her mouth. "I'm so glad everything is back on track. I'm going straight to my darling Byakuya now so we can talk about it."

Su-yin put a hand on her shoulder to restrain her. "Oh, no you don't. Have you already forgotten what happens after an agreement is made?"

Soifon's mind raced as she struggled to remember. Let's see, she thought, first the clan representatives meet, then once they agree on the wedding, the bride and groom are…

"We're not allowed to see each other until the wedding?" She said out loud. "But that's just to ensure chastity before the ceremony."

"I know it's too late for that." Su-yin admitted sourly. "Still, it's tradition. We've made a lot of changes to make this marriage happen, the least we can do is keep this one."

Soifon tried to squeeze past. "You don't understand, I _really_ need to see him."

Su-yin hand was completely immovable. "Excuse me? I was married for quite some time young lady, I know all about your _'needs'_. Believe me, it's just as much fun to do when you're married. Besides, it's not like you're going to be waiting long."

The cold hand of dread squeezed Soifon's heart. "We're not? Why? When is the wedding?"

"Next week!" Su-yin replied. "With the resources at our disposal, that's more than enough time to get set up. Uncle Shu-yen, Qi-chang and I will stop by later tomorrow to get the names for your guest list and work out the details. Just leave it up to us. We'll make sure your wedding will be a day you'll never forget."

"I'm sure it will." Soifon weakly agreed.

"I think it's safe to let you go now." Su-yin said getting up from the couch. "Your fiancé should be gone by now. We've already contacted the twelfth division to have your numbers blocked on your phones. Don't even think about trying to visit him either. We'll be watching."

"I understand." Soifon said dazedly. "If you don't mind Mother, I think I'm just going to sit here for a while."

Su-yin smiled. "Of course. I know it's a lot to take in all at once. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye!"

Soifon gave a weak, shaky wave to her mother as she left the bathroom. As soon as the door closed she put her head in her hands and groaned. Everything kept going from bad to worse! What was Baykuya trying to do? She had to get in contact with him before the wedding.

She _had_ to!


	6. The Bee Failing

**Summary:** Soifon has to find out Byakuya's plans. Blocked from all conventional communication, maybe something _unconventional_ will work.

Byakuya's security forces were the very definition of discipline as they patrolled the Kuchiki family estate. The two guards on the outer perimeter wall could have been made of clockwork. They marched the length of the walkway in precise one meter strides, passing each other exactly in the middle, halting at the end with a stamp, performing an about face and then repeating. They would continue this cycle for their entire shift until properly relived. You could set your watch to it. It was this precision that would be their undoing.

The sentry's eyes had swept over the pool of darkness at the base of the wall where the torchlight failed to reach many times. It was very small and not very dark. Obviously no one could hide in it. Nonetheless, they looked at it every time they passed just in case someone was there. Soifon would have been insulted if you called what she was doing "hiding". She had blended into the surrounding gloom, became part of the landscape, a part of the shadow itself, something much more than merely hiding. It didn't hurt that she was dressed in her old onmitsukidō uniform, the mask and hood covering her face and hair. As she waited in the darkness, she couldn't help feeling pleased that it still fit her just as well as when she was a bodyguard for Yoruichi-sama.

She slowed her breathing and concentrated on her center. She could hear the sentry's footsteps drifting down through the night air, feel the vibrations in the wall at her back. The rhythm of their footsteps joined the rhythm of her heartbeat, the rhythm of her breathing as she entered a state of no thought. When the time was right for her to make her moved, the act required no decision on her part, it simply came to be.

Three steps. When the sentries were three steps from making their about face, that would be the time to move. It would provide her with the widest window of entry and give her just enough time to get out of sight. She did not have to count their steps, she simply felt it. When their heels struck the ground at just the right time, she leaped high into the air. Pulling her knees up in a slow summersault, the arc of her jump carried her over the wall. Twisting at the completion of the summersault, she dropped feet first facing inside the courtyard. The guards stamp and about face at the end of their patrol covered the noise of her landing. Even without that cover, she made less noise than a falling leaf. She had selected her entry point perfectly.

Moving through the grounds, Soifon used every scrap of cover to remain unseen, every blind spot, fold in the ground and unlighted area her shield from detection. The guards were good, but they were no match for her skill. More than once she was close enough to touch one and they never knew.

What was Byakuya thinking, she wondered as she stalked towards his quarters. Her mother had been as good as her word. Her phone had been blocked immediately. Asking the other captains for help got her nothing but polite refusals. Yamamoto had ordered them all to cooperate with her clan. It didn't help that they all gave her a knowing smirk when she asked them to give Byakuya a message. Her begging them to pass on a message to Byakuya only served to reinforce the image of a love sick woman desperate to see her paramour. Kenpachi actually laughed at her! This was getting completely out of control!

Well let's see them try and stop me now, she thought. She was going to infiltrate the Kuchiki mansion, find Byakuya, find out just what he was planning to do to get out of the wedding, then leave the same way she came with no one the wiser. This might be the last chance she would get to talk to him. The wedding was tomorrow!

It was when she was about to dash across the garden to a convenient spot under some shrubbery that she felt it. A challenge. Someone was standing in the shadow formed in the corner of the garden's wall. They didn't move or do anything physical to announce their presence. They simply allowed themselves to be noticed. It was a level of skill that few mastered. Soifon regretted that she would have to deal with this sentry before they could give her away. She really didn't need the hassle. She threw a handful of shuriken into the shadows to flush them out.

Sure enough, a dark form in the purple livery of the Kuchiki family security forces leapt from the corner into the moonlight, aiming a flying kick at Soifon's head. As she had left her zanpakuto at home, she was prepared to engage in hand to hand combat. She ducked beneath her attackers kick, waited a fraction of a second, then sprang up twisting her body to grab her assailant from behind and knock them out with a choke hold. Only the sentry wasn't there. Instead, she absorbed a kick in the ribs on her right hand side. She rolled with the kick and countered with one of her own. It was blocked, but it created an opening for a left hook. Her opponent ducked and counter punched. This guy is good, Soifon thought as they struggled. Strikes and counter strikes were thrown, some landing with dull thuds as they pounded away at each other in total silence, not even grunting from the pain. While she was thankful, Soifon wondered why this guard didn't try to sound the alarm. Thinking she saw an opening for a knockout blow, she found out too late it was a trap. The guard caught her arm and twisted it behind her. She was just about to counter the hold when a voice made her blood freeze.

"Knew you'd try something like this."

"Mother?"

Turning around, she was shocked to see the "guard" take off her mask and hood with her free hand, revealing Su-yin's grinning face.

"That was fun." She said letting Soifon go. "We should do things like this more often."

"Mother what are you doing here?" Soifon asked taking off her own mask and hood.

"Seeing what kind of self control my daughter possesses." She caustically replied. "Obviously you have none."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Soifon huffed crossing her arms.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Her mother said with exaggerated concern. "Was there some other reason you were sneaking in here besides meeting with your fiancé? At night? In his bedroom most likely?"

Soifon couldn't stop herself from blushing. Obviously there could be no other reason for her being there, but not it the way her mother was thinking.

"You don't understand." She grumbled.

Su-yin sighed. "Come. Sit down with me. We need to have a little talk."

She walked over to a nearby bench next to a koi pond and patted the space next to her. Trying not to roll her eyes, Soifon stalked over to sit down next to her.

"So you think I don't understand how you feel, eh?" Her mother began. "Well I think it may surprise you to know I wasn't always a dried up old woman. I remember what it felt like to be in love. I remember how being apart for even an hour felt like an eternity. I know very well the ache of longing to be in your lover's arms, so don't sit there and tell me I don't understand."

"But you told me you never really loved Father." Soifon protested.

Su-yin looked away with a faint smile on her lips. "Who said I was talking about your father?"

Soifon's jaw nearly bounced off the ground.

"You mean to tell me before you got married you…you…?"

"I just told you, I wasn't always an old woman." Su-yin asserted. "I used to have a life you know."

Soifon couldn't get over the shock. "Wait a minute. Does this mean that before your wedding you weren't a…?"

"That's none of your business!" Su-yin snapped. "Besides, it doesn't matter. I was forced to marry your father for the benefit of the clan and my old sweetheart was stepped on by a menos. Fate can be so unkind. That's why you'll pardon me if I have no sympathy for my greedy daughter's appetites and make her wait for one more day to fulfill the clan's traditions!"

Soifon's blush returned with a vengeance. She was glad the darkness hid her face. She was surprised her ears weren't glowing.

"I just wanted to talk to him." She meekly explained.

Su-yin scoffed. "You can do all the 'talking' you want after the wedding. I know it seems difficult to believe now when everything is all magic and fireworks, but in a couple of years, you'll get tired of 'talking' more than once or twice a week. Now come on. I'll help you find your way home."

Soifon suppressed a groan. Her mission was a total failure and now she was going to have to slink home with her tail between her legs. With her mother watching her no less. Could she be any more humiliated?

"All right." Soifon said miserably putting her mask back on. "Do you want to take point or should I?"

Su-yin got up from the bench. "Why take the hard way out when you can just use the tunnels?"

"Tunnels?" Soifon asked.

"Sure." Su-yin replied. She pushed over a statue to reveal an opening. "This place is riddled with them. Didn't you know that?"

Soifon smacked herself in the head. Yachiru's tunnels. Byakuya never got around to filling them in. She felt like kicking herself as she followed her mother down the hole.

**Note to Self**: _Check the easy way in first next time_.

* * *

><p>Soifon could hardly drag one foot after the other as she dejectedly made her way home. She had no doubt she reeked of failure from that night's fiasco. The wedding was tomorrow and she still had no idea what Byakuya had planned. How could the head of the Gotei 13's intelligence division have such a hard time getting crucial information? She felt completely and utterly doomed as she made her way across the courtyard, eyes on the ground, mind full of turmoil. She was so wrapped up in despair she was caught flat footed when a voice called out from the rooftop.<p>

"There you are! I was wondering when you were going to come home."

Soifon's head jerked up in surprise. There on the roof, silhouetted by the moon, it could only be one person.

"Yoruichi-sama!"

Leaping from the rooftop, the goddess of flash seemed to float through the air to land gracefully a few meters before her. She approached Soifon with her usual sinuous stride, her face expressionless and serene, a beautifully carved mahogany mask that gave nothing way.

"So. I heard you're getting married tomorrow." She phrased it more as a statement than a question.

How could she tell her? How could she explain that it was all a big mistake? How could she tell her idol that it was her own foolish lies that had made it worse? What would she think of her then? Her mind raced as her heart pounded in her chest. In less time than it takes to tell, Youruichi-sama was standing before her, her face unreadable as she looked down at her.

"Yoruichi-sama. I…I…"

Yoruichi didn't wait for her answer. Reaching out to Soifon, she swept her up in a fierce embrace.

"I can't believe it!" She squealed rocking Soifon side to side. "My little bee and Byakuya-bo. Two of my favorite people finding happiness together. This is fantastic!"

Ordinarily, Soifon would be thrilled to be held by Yourichi-sama this way. Instead she felt the heavy weight of guilt sitting like a rock in her chest. She didn't deserve such praise and congratulations from her mentor for her stupid, make-believe wedding. Still, with Yoruichi-sama hugging her, she was frozen from the shock.

**Note to self:** _YORUICHI'S HUGGING ME!_

Soon enough, Yoruichi let her go and playfully punched her on the shoulder.

"Hey, how long have you been keeping this a secret from me?" She demanded. "Here I am thinking my poor little bee is so sad and lonely and it turns out you and Byakuya are doing a little this and that on the on the sly! You bad girl, you!"

Soifon rubbed her shoulder where Yoruichi hit her.

"Ah, Yoruichi-sama, it's not really like that. You see…"

Yoruichi ignored this as well, putting her hands on Soifon's shoulders.

"Seriously though. For a long time now Byakuya has been in a lot of pain from losing his wife. I'm glad to see he's finally moved on. And I'm glad it was with you. Thank you, little bee."

For crying out loud, how was she supposed to respond to that?

"Um, you're welcome?" She squeaked.

Suddenly shifting gears as she often did, Yoruichi gave her a wicked grin.

"Now that you're home, I have a surprise for you."

"A surprise?"

"Sure," Yoruichi said taking her by the hand. "I set it up in the dojo."

"The dojo?" Soifon asked. "Why the dojo."

"I thought it would be best to do this far away from the barracks." Yoruichi explained. "It could get pretty noisy."

Soifon could feel her heart start pounding again.

"Noisy? Why? What are you planning to do?"

Yoruichi chuckled. "If I told you then it wouldn't be a surprise would it?"

"I suppose not."

"Say little bee, why are you wearing your old uniform?"

Soifon looked down at herself. She had forgotten she was still dressed for her night raid.

"Uh, nostalgia."

Yoruichi raised an eyebrow at that. "Well I guess it's only natural to think about the past when you're about to make a major change in life. Ah, here we are."

Pulling Soifon up on the porch in front of the door, she turned to face her.

"Now before we go inside, I want you to close your eyes."

Gently, Yoruichi brushed her hand across Soifon's eyes to close them.

"Keep them closed. No peeking, understand."

Giving a nod, Soifon heard Yoruichi slide open the dojo's door. Still leading her by the hand, she guided Soifon inside, then let her go to slide the door shut. Even with her eyes closed Soifon could tell the lights were off. Yoruichi moved in close enough for her to feel her breath on her face, smell the scent of her hair, even feel the heat from her body. These feelings and sensations only grew stronger as Yoruichi leaned forward and pulled Soifon closer.

"Well little bee." She whispered in her ear, her hot breath tickling the small hairs at the nape of her neck. "Are you ready for your surprise?"

Soifon's heartbeat pounded in her ears like a kettle drum. Her breathing became heavy and ragged.

"Yes Yoruichi-sama." She huskily whispered back. "I am ready."

The lights snapped on as a dozen women shouted "SURPRISE!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Soifon screamed clutching at her chest. "WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING HERE?"

All around her were the manically grinning faces of the Shinigami Women's Association.

"Ha, ha, ha! You should see the look on your face!" Yoruichi wheezed as she doubled over with laughter. "We got you pretty good!"

"I would expect nothing less from the great Yoruichi-sama." Soifon replied as she tried not to go into cardiac arrest. "But what is all this about?"

"It's a little custom I borrowed from the world of the living." Yoruichi explained. "It's a bachelorette party!"

"Whooo!" The woman howled holding various drinks up in the air.

"We're going to give you a proper send off on your last night as a free woman!"

More howls and cheers were added.

"Of course it took you so long to get home, some have started the party a little early."

"Damn right!" Matsumoto shouted before chugging down what was probably the latest of several drinks for her that night. Her cheeks were already bright red.

"Not a lot of drinks for you little bee. We want you bright eyed and bushy tailed for your wedding night!"

This brought a loud chorus of giggles from the crowd. Soifon wished with all her might for the floor to open up and swallow her. From the back of the crowd, Kuchiki Rukia pushed her way forward to stand before her. She bowed stiff and nervously before her, Soifon returning it as best she could in her befuddled state.

"Captain Soifon." Rukia said in a quavering voice. "I just want you to know that I am honored and thrilled to welcome you into the family."

Soifon could hardly miss the sincerity in the young woman's voice. Rukia's eyes were wide and sparkling with elation, her face locked in a beatific smile.

"Um, thank you." She replied feeling like an absolute fraud.

"Just think, " Rukia continued, her slight body almost quivering with excitement. "Soon I'll be calling you Onee-chan."

"Yes, that's true." Soifon reluctantly agreed.

"Can I do it now?" Rukia asked. "Is it all right if I call you Onee-chan from now on?"

"Uh, sure."

With a delighted yelp, Rukia glomped onto Soifon, babbling a mile a minute.

"Thank you, Onee-chan! This is going to be so great having a sister! We can go shopping together and visit the bath house together and when Ni-sama is away on missions you can sleep in my room and we'll do each other's hair and makeup and tell ghost stories…"

Soifon could just picture all of those scenarios in her mind. Didn't the gods have any mercy? Why did they not strike her down and put her out of her misery?

"Enough of that Rukia-chan." Yoruichi said regaining control of the situation. "It's time for the guest of honor to take her seat so we can get this party going!"

Picking her up on their shoulders, the Shinigami Women's Association raucously carried Soifon to the seat of honor. The dojo floor had been set up with tables and cushions in an open sided rectangle. Putting her down, the women served Soifon a somewhat cold fish dinner and a cup of sake before taking their own seats. Yoruichi sat next to her on the right. Nanao went out to the space between the tables holding a clipboard as everyone else settled down.

"Captain Soifon." She said. "We would like to welcome you to your bachelorette party and wish you nothing but good luck and happiness for your future marriage."

"Hear, hear!" The women shouted.

"We have a very full agenda for this evening." Nanao said, adjusting her glasses to see her clipboard better. "We are of course starting off with dinner, after that we will open up your presents."

"Cake!" Matsumoto yelled. "Bring out the cake!"

"Matsumoto, please behave yourself." Nanao scolded. "The cake is still far down on the agenda."

"I want it now!" The busty lieutenant declared. "Bring out the cake!"

Nanao tried ignoring her. "After the presents, we will have a variety of parlor games followed by…"

"Cake, cake, cake, cake!" Matusmoto chanted. Soon all the women were chanting, "CAKE, CAKE, CAKE, CAKE!"

Nanao sighed and threw her clipboard over her shoulder. "Fine." She grumped. "We'll have the cake now."

The woman cheered and Yoruichi grabbed Soifon by the shoulder to give her a shake.

"Oh you're going to love this!"

Soifon had a bad feeling about it herself. She had heard rumors about what sort of things went on at these "bachelorette parties". Please let it be a normal cake, she pleaded in her head. Please, please, PLEASE let it be a simple, normal cake.

Even as the enormous thing was wheeled into the space between the tables, she still clung to the increasingly unlikely possibility that it was just a normal cake. That hope was shattered as the music started and a muscular, scantily clad man burst out from the top of the cake. He had blonde shoulder length hair and was "dressed" in a highly modified captain's uniform.

"You like, Soifon?" Youruichi said leaning over to the stunned guest of honor. "I picked him out myself."

"Yoruichi-sama." Soifon replied. "You really shouldn't have."

As she watched in horror, the stripper ripped off the sleeve of his kosode dropping it in front of beet red Momo who covered her face in her hands. Matsumoto waved a handful of bills at him to get his attention.

"Doesn't he remind you of someone?" Yoruichi slyly asked.

Soifon frowned. What was Yoruichi talking about? She took a good look at him as he gyrated in front of Matsumoto.

"No, he doesn't look like anyone I know."

"You sure?" Yoruichi pressed. "I picked him because I thought he'd remind you of someone you used to have a crush on."

Someone she had a crush on? Who could that be? With this information, she looked over the man over with fresh eyes. Let's see, shoulder length blonde hair, grey eyes, face has a bit of stubble on the chin, the haori he was now waving over his head_ had a twelve on it._

"I never had a crush on Urahara!" Soifon protested.

"That's not what I remember." Yoruichi laughingly disagreed. She raised her hand over Soifon's head pointing down.

"Here boy! Come over here! Get her next!"

"Yoruichi-sama, stop." Soifon squawked.

"Here." Yoruichi said pressing some money into Soifon's hand. "Put these in his fundoshi. Not all at once of course."

Soifon looked at the money as if it were a poisonous snake in her hand. Before she could give it back, the stripper jumped on the table in front of her. Ripping off his hakama to expose his well muscled legs, he dropped the torn cloth in Soifon's lap and continued his dance. Soifon stared at him frozen with dismay.

"Hey little bee." Yoruichi said elbowing her in the ribs. "You want to take him home with you tonight?"

Soifon was completely aghast. "Yoruichi-sama!"

"Come on, I'll never tell. It's your last chance to sow those wild oats."

Tears streamed down Soifon's face. It was all going so very wrong.

"Yoruichi-sama…"


	7. The Bee Married

**Summary:** It's wedding day. Can _anyone_ get Soifon out of this mess?

The sun crept bright and shiny over the horizon promising a warm bright day for Soifon's wedding. It touched the dew covered leaves on the trees and the grass in the fields as it rose into the clear blue sky giving it all a silvery glow. It also touched on the form of eighth division's third seat, Tatsufusa Enjōji. He strode down the dusty lane clad in a simple plain white kimono carrying a bundle wrapped in a straw mat under one arm. Though his eyes were red and puffy, his face was calm and impassive in the early morning sunlight. He was unmoved by the sight of the dawn even though it was the last sunrise he would ever see.

At last, he reached his destination. The gates of the second division's compound. Deliberately, even ceremoniously, he unrolled the mat being careful not to drop the items it held inside. Placing the mat squarely in front of the compound gates, he sat down cross legged on it placing a scroll, a plain white cloth and a dagger next to him. Removing his arms from the kimono, he pulled the garment down until he was exposed to the waist. Carefully, he tucked his empty sleeves under his knees in such a way that the kimono supported his back. He wouldn't want to shame himself by falling backwards. With any luck, he would be found later that morning still seated upright. He picked up the scroll and unrolled it to recite his _j__isei, _his death poem.

_The blossom withers_

_Invisible to cold eyes_

_Sakura triumphs _

Not a very impressive haiku to be sure, but it was the best he could do last night as tears rolled down his face. The mere thought of Captain Soifon forever being beyond his reach made composing almost impossible and the idea of _seppuku_ a sweet release. He closed the scroll and set it to the side as far as he could reach. He didn't want to get blood on it. It had to be legible when Captain Soifon found him. Would she shed a tear as she read his poem over his lifeless body? Surely she would.

He could almost see it in his mind's eye. She would come out of the gate before him dressed for her wedding, ready for the happiest day of her life. But what is this? The motionless body of a ruggedly handsome shinigami seated before her in a pool of his own blood? She would rush to him, desperately checking for any sign of life, ignoring the blood soaking the hem of her snow white dress. Finding him completely gone, she would recoil in grief, her eyes at last falling upon the scroll. Tears of sorrow clouding her vision, she would read it, and in reading she would finally understand.

"_Enjōji you fool!"_ she would sob as she fell to her knees. "_If only you have told me sooner."_

Indeed, if only he had, he thought as he wrapped the cloth around the dagger's blade. He had no one else to blame for failing to make his feelings known and he cursed himself for his cowardice. He deserved this fate. At least this way, Captain Soifon would finally know the depths of his feelings for her. As he had no _kaishakunin_, no second to cut his head off, he would have to perform the more demanding _jūmonji giri, _the cross shaped cut that would let him bleed out quickly.

Preparations complete, he held the dagger by the handle and the cloth covered blade before him, ready to make the first cut.

"Goodbye Captain Soifon." He whispered. "I would have done my best to make you happy."

"There he is!" Nanao shouted. "Grab him!"

Four large shinigami tacked Enjōji, wrestling him to the ground and wrenching his dagger from his grasp.

"No! Let me go! Let me do this!" He protested.

That only got him thumped by his squad mates. They were in no mood to be gentle. When they finally had him pinned face down on the ground, a pair of sandaled feet stepped into view. Raising his head, Enjōji found himself looking up at Nanao's scowling face.

"I knew you'd try something like this." She declared. "It's a good thing I was keeping an eye on you. What were you thinking?"

"Please lieutenant." He begged, "Let me go through with it. Life without Captain Soifon is not worth living!"

Nanao smacked her face with her palm. "For the last time, she doesn't even know who you are!"

"When she sees the sacrifice I have made for her, then she will know who I am." He said through rapidly flowing tears.

"No she won't." Nanao contradicted. "If she notices at all, she'll probably wonder who left a big pile of trash in front of her gate."

She motioned to the shinigami holding the third seat down.

"Get him out of here and place him under house arrest until he gets this stupid nonsense out of his head." She ordered.

"Yes ma'am." They chorused as the pulled Enjōji to his feet and dragged his pathetic bulk down the street. Nanao adjusted her glasses as she watched the sorry figure be carried away.

"Men." She sniffed. "They're all such big babies."

* * *

><p>"Move the frame over to the left." Hisagi Shūhei directed the cameraman. "We want to get the front of the building in as the backdrop."<p>

"Of course, Hisagi-san." The ninth division member replied as he adjusted the video camera on its tripod. "How's that?"

Shūhei pushed back his red beret, took off his sunglasses and looked through the viewfinder. "That's it. Just right. OK Hinamori-chan, you're on."

"You want me to stand here?" She asked moving in front of the camera. She was not in her uniform today. For the wedding, she was dressed in a light blue kimono with a red flower pattern. Instead of her usual bun, her hair was carefully styled. Tasteful earrings and the rather heavy makeup required for the camera completed the look.

"Yes, right there." Shūhei confirmed putting his sunglasses back on. "Remember, hold the microphone in front of you and read off the cue cards. You start on three, OK?"

Momo nodded her understanding, and patted her head to make sure there were no stray hairs before settling down to the task at hand. She held up her microphone to show she was ready.

"And one, two, …" Shūhei dropped his hand pointing at her on three.

"Ahem. We are standing here today in front of the First Division assembly hall where the wedding of the century is about to take place between Captain Kuchiki Byakuya, Head of the Kuchiki clan and Captain Soifon of the Fon clan. Captain-Commander Yamamoto and his entire staff have outdone themselves to convert the hall into a wedding chapel for this event. As it is a rather somewhat small building for a wedding, only a select few have been invited to attend and the hall is expected to be packed with nobles and celebrities from all over Soul Society and beyond. You will be able to attend too by staying tuned to this network as we bring you all the latest updates and broadcast the ceremony live. For the ninth division news agency, this is Lieutenant Hinamori Momo reporting."

"And cut!" Shūhei said. "Good job Hinamori-chan."

"You really think so?" She timidly asked. "I felt so nervous."

"Sure I do." He assured her. "You're a natural at this. I think we can use this without doing another take."

Indeed, Momo was a perfect choice for a wedding reporter. She had a sweet, innocent face that the camera loved and her position as an officer gave her authority. He was glad she accepted his offer to help him on this, his biggest project ever! His division was not only going to report on this wedding in a double sized, double the newsstand price, full color special edition of the _Seireitei Bulletin, _they were also the official photographers for the joyous event, and best of all, they were going to broadcast the whole thing on television. A Soul Society first! It was glorious.

"You guys set up near the red carpet." He ordered the camera crew. "Find a good spot where you can film all the arrivals. Hinamori-chan, please come with me. We're going to do some shots with the interior crew. All of you still photographers, follow me as well. I'll tell you where you will positioned for the ceremony."

Striding with his head held high, he felt he was walking not just into the assembly hall, but into history. There would be awards, accolades, maybe even increased funding as a reward for all the ground breaking, cutting edge reporting his division did today. Most importantly, after she was married, Captain Soifon would have no good excuse to hunt him down and kill him. True, she didn't really need and excuse, but now that the truth about her relationship with Captain Kuchiki was all cleared up, not to mention confirmed by this very wedding, surely she wouldn't hold a grudge. She would move on with her life and let bygones be bygones. Wouldn't she?

His stride became less confident as he remembered Captain Soifon's personality. If you looked up "grudge" in the Soul Society dictionary, there was no text. It only showed her picture. Still, he would soldier on. It was too late to turn back now.

* * *

><p>If Kusajishi Yachiru weren't so cute, her scowl would have been terrifying.<p>

"Listen you. I don't care how old you are or how big you are. _I'm_ the head flower girl. That means _I'm_ in charge. That means you do _what_ I say _when_ I say and no back talk. If I say we're all wearing the same dress, then we're all wearing the same dress!"

Omaeda Marechiyo sighed. "For the last time, Captain Soifon may have ordered me to perform this duty, but I will not do it in a dress you little pipsqueak. I'm a man, get it? A man! I'm going to do this wearing a suit like all the other men at the wedding and that's that."

Yachiru's little body shook with rage. Her face went from pink to red to purple. Steam actually began to shoot from her ears.

She shouted. _**"KEN-CHAN!"**_

It was astonishing how fast Zaraki Kenpachi could move when he wanted to. Ōmaeda didn't even need to turn around to know the captain of the Eleventh Division was behind him. His powerful reiatsu was unmistakable. And angry. Very, very angry.

"Is there a problem here?" His deep voice growled.

* * *

><p>"My apologies Captain." Nemu said. "I will not be able to continue applying makeup until your weeping ceases."<p>

"Sorry." Soifon replied dabbing at her streaming eyes with a handkerchief. "I can't help it."

Nemu tilted her head in puzzlement. "You will pardon me Captain if I give offense. I am afraid I do not understand. Do you not wish to marry Captain Kuchiki? Shouldn't you be happy?"

"People often cry when they're happy Nemu-chan." Matsumoto explained as she stood behind Soifon zipping up her dress.

"I still do not understand." Nemu said. "I know people cry to express sadness. Why would the opposite emotion have the same effect?"

Rangiku sighed. "How can I explain this? It's like you're so happy your heart fills up and up and up and the next thing you know, it so full it hurts. That's why you cry."

Nemu's eyes widened in alarm. "That sounds dangerous Captain. Is there anything I can do to help you regain equilibrium?"

"You can get me out of this wedding." Soifon replied.

Matsumoto laughed. "You're not fooling me Captain. I bet you can't wait to slap a ring on that gorgeous hunk of man and drag him home before he gets away."

Placing the veil on Soifon's head, she fastened it in place with several hairpins.

"All set Captain. Turn around and let me get a good look at…_KYAAAH_!"

Soifon's eyes were two dark holes with long black streaks beneath them.

"Nemu-chan, what did you do?" Matsumoto demanded. "Her mascara is all runny."

"I cannot affect repairs until her face is dry." Nemu explained. "It would appear her happiness is still causing her a great deal of discomfort."

"I'll be fine." Soifon insisted grabbing some nearby tissues and wiping her eyes. "I just…need a moment. That's all. If you two could go outside, I'd appreciate it."

Matsumoto and Nemu looked at each other.

"Sure, Captain." Matsumoto said. "We'll go next door and change into our bridesmaid outfits. Call us if you need us."

Bowing politely, the lieutenants took their leave, Nemu carefully closing the door behind her. As soon as they were gone, Soifon buried her face in her hands.

_WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!_ She screamed in her mind. Though she desperately wanted to, she couldn't run away. She had come too far to back out now. Her hopes that Byakuya had some kind of plan to put a stop to the wedding appeared to be fruitless. In very short order she would soon be Mrs. Kuchiki Byakuya. But why? Surely Byakuya didn't really want to marry her. Why had he allowed things to continue? Right now, the only thing keeping her from running out the door screaming was the sure knowledge that Su-yin would track her down even if she hid in the lowest depths of hell. Then how would she explain her behavior? But if she couldn't run, what could she do? _WHAT COULD SHE DO_?

A knock on the door made her raise her head.

"Soifon? May I come in?"

That voice!

"Yoruichi-sama! Yes, please come in!" She answered

The door swung open to reveal the smiling face of her mentor. She was dressed in a stunning sleeveless wine-red gown with a plunging scoop neck in the front. Her hair, jewelry, nails and makeup were all impeccable.

"Look at you." She crooned. "You look like a little doll in that dress. Well, except for the face. I heard of tears of joy before, but don't you think you're overdoing it a little?"

Seeing Yoruichi was the straw that broke the camel's back. Soifon couldn't take the strain of living a lie anymore. Her desperation was so great, it overpowered her shame.

"Yourichi-sama." She pleaded. "Help me."

Yourichi's smile instantly vanished. She quickly strode across the room and put her hand on Soifon's shoulder, peering into her eyes with concern.

"What's wrong, honey? Are you OK?"

"I can't do it, Yoruichi-sama." Soifon choked out. "I can't marry him."

Yoruichi looked at her with furrowed brows for a second. Then she threw back her head and laughed.

"You have cold feet! How adorable. Come on Soifon, I've seen you charge a dozen Adjuchas armed with nothing but a paring knife. How bad can this be?"

"This is a lot worse than fighting hollows, Yoruichi-sama. You have to help me!"

Yoruichi put her hands on her hips.

"You know what your problem is? You're thinking about this too much. Stop worrying about the ceremony and the pressure and remember why you're marrying him. You know, like how much you love him and care about him and how good he makes you feel when you're together. If you focus on that, all this stress will melt away. "

"I don't think that's going to help Yoruichi-sama." Soifon whimpered

Yoruichi gave a wicked grin and elbowed her in the ribs,

"In that case, just focus on how awesome he is in the sack. That ought to keep you distracted!"

"We've never been in the sack." Soifon protested. "We haven't had physical relations of any kind."

"That's not what I heard." Yoruichi smirked. "It's all over town that you two have been rattling the headboards for quite a while now. And what's this rumor I heard this morning? Someone told me you already have the little heir to the Kuchiki clan on board? Is that true?"

"No it's not true!" Soifon wailed. "I'm not pregnant!"

"That's a relief." Yoruichi said pretending to wipe sweat off her brow. "You were really slamming down the saké last night. Good thing I stopped you before you got wasted. Don't worry sweetie, I'm sure you'll be putting out the occupied sign soon enough. Are you trying for a girl or a boy?"

To Soifon's dismay, Yoruichi actually began to rub her belly.

"AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH! Stop it! Stop it! Will you just listen to me for five minutes? I have _NEVER_ had sex with Byakuya! I don't_ WANT to _have sex with Byakuya. I _do NOT want_ to _marry him_!"

For once, Yoruichi was at a loss for words. She stared at Soifon open mouthed with shock.

"You mean you two have never…?"

"No Yoruichi-sama. Not even once."

Yoruichi seemed completely flustered as she struggled to respond.

"Oh. Oh dear. Well there's no reason to call the wedding off because of that, little bee. Believe me, it's not as bad as those silly horror stories you may have heard. I know it sounds like a weird thing to do, but it's a perfectly natural act and it only hurts a little at first..."

I don't believe this, Soifon thought as she stood paralyzed with horror. Now she thinks I'm some kind of nervous virgin. And that I need "_the talk_"!

"…next thing you know, the ol' instincts kick in and you'll be all like, ooh, yeah, right there ya big stud!"

With a frustrated howl, Soifon grabbed Yoruichi by the shoulders and started to shake her.

"Dammit, Yoruichi-sama, you're still not listening to me!"

Yoruichi looked down at Soifon's gripping hands and frowned. Soifon removed them as if she had been touching red hot iron.

"Sorry." She squeaked. "I didn't mean to do that. But please, you have to really listen to me. Nothing about this wedding is real. You have to help me get out of it."

Yoruichi crossed her arms. "OK. I'm listening."

It all came spilling out. Her getting drunk and waking up at Byakuyas. Her mother flipping out. Her clever plan that turned out to be not-so-clever. The chains of lies that grew tighter and tighter making it impossible to avoid her fate. Finally, she wrapped it up with her in her present state, sobbing in the dressing room desperate for any means of escape. The whole time, Yoruichi listened without interrupting even once, her face a complete blank.

"What do you think Yoruichi-sama?" Soifon asked "Can you get me out of this?"

Yoruichi gazed calmly into her eyes…_then burst out laughing_.

"Youruichi-sama!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Yoruichi gasped. "That is the craziest story I ever heard!"

She was laughing so hard she was bent over.

"Oh, I have to stop, I'm going to smear my makeup! Only you Soifon. Only you could get caught up in a situation like this!

"Can you help me or not?" Soifon demanded. "I don't want to have to resign my commission and squeeze out a dozen squalling brats!"

"Calm down, calm down." Yoruichi advised as her laughter slowed down. "Let me think about this."

Several tense seconds passed as Yoruichi paced up and down the dressing room. Her giggling and snorting died away as she focused on the problem. Back and forth she walked, eyes focused on nothing, occasionally giving a "hmm" or a "hurm". Finally, she turned to Soifon and snapped her fingers.

"I've got it." She announced. "I'm pretty sure it'll work. I have to warn you though, you're probably going to be embarrassed in front of everybody."

How could it possibly be any more embarrassing than it already was?

"I can live with that." Soifon said. "I'll do anything to get out of this."

"OK." Yoruichi slyly replied. "I'm going to remember you said that. For now, I'll to send the girls back in to fix your face. You keep going along like everything is fine and I'll take care of the rest."

"What are you going to do Yoruichi-sama." Soifon asked

Yoruichi stepped very close to Soifon and put her hand on her cheek. "Do you trust me little bee?"

"Yes, of course Yoruichi-sama." She answered.

"Then don't worry. I'll take care of everything. I promise."

With a wicked grin, Yoruichi flounced out the door, stopping only to give an encouraging wave. Soifon felt hope rise up in her chest. If Yoruichi said she was going to get her out of this, then she had nothing to worry about. She simply had to have faith.

* * *

><p>"Remember, you can see what the camera is showing through this monitor." Shūhei explained to Momo. "This is the voiceover part, so you just sit here and comment on what you see. I'll let you know when to start and stop."<p>

"I still feel nervous about all of this." Momo replied putting on the headset and microphone. "What if I do something wrong? There isn't even a script after I finish the introduction."

"You'll do fine." Shūhei assured her. "You have a great voice and a knack for descriptions. There's no wrong way for you to do this."

"All the guests have arrived and are seated, lieutenant." An assistant informed them.

"Excellent." He responded. "We go live in 30 seconds. Momo, are you ready?"

"Um...I guess so." She squeaked.

"On three." He directed as before. "And one, two, …" again, he dropped his hand pointing at her on three.

"Good morning everyone and welcome to the ninth division's live coverage of the wedding of the century. For those of you just joining us, all the guests have arrived and the ceremony itself will soon begin."

She put down the card with the prepared statement and looked up at the monitor.

"Ah, um, as you can see here, we are looking at the groom's side of the aisle now. These are all Kuchiki nobles and retainers."

Indeed, everyone sitting on Byakuya's side was ostentatiously dressed in expensive silks and heavy brocade, every one of them looking haughty, aristocratic and _rich_.

"And on the bride's side, we see the Fon clan. I think that's Captain Soifons mother there."

The Fon clan was not as flashy as the Kuchiki's, their clothes being more practical and less decorative. Nonetheless, they all carried themselves with an air of pride and dignity that came from a lifetime of duty and sacrifice. Su-yin was dressed in a rather plan red gown, her gold hair ornaments the only flashy thing on her person.

"Seated behind them, we see the Captains of the Gotei 13. The Captain-Commander made reserving them a spot a condition for using the assembly hall. Hi Captain Unohana!"

Turning around to see who had called out to her, Unohana actually blushed and covered her mouth with her hand when she noticed she was being filmed. She shyly waved and turned forward again.

"This is very exciting isn't it? Over here, we actually have guests from the real world! From left to right, we have Kurosaki Ichigo, the famous substitute shinigami. Next to him is the Quincy archer, Ishida Uryuu. That girl with them is Inoue Orihme. She's really nice. That big guy is Yasutora Sado, but you can call him Chad. Oh my. What is Kurosaki-san doing?"

Somehow, Ichigo felt that he was being watched. Turning around, his face locked in his trademark scowl, he quickly spotted the camera. At first, he scowled even deeper. Then he pulled his eyelid down with his index finger while sticking his tongue out. Then he pulled up the corners of his mouth with his fingers while waggling his tongue. Then he began to roll his eyes in opposite directions. Turning to see what Ichigo was doing, Ishida quickly assessed the situation and frowned with disapproval. Slapping Ichigo on the head, he forced him to behave himself and turn around. Orihime looked embarrassed for the both of them and mouthed "sorry" at the camera before facing forward again. Chad shook his head in dismay.

"People from the real world certainly are lively." Momo observed. "Oh, the music is starting up. Hisagi-san is giving me the signal to stop now. The wedding is officially about to begin!"

Entering from Yamamoto's private entrance in the back, the Captain-Commander and Byakuya took their place in front of the improvised wedding chapel. The bridesmaids, Nemu, Matsumoto and Isane began their walk down the aisle accompanied by their groomsmen, Akon, Kira and Yuichika, all of them looking splendid in their wedding finery, Yumichika somehow looking prettier than all of them put together. Rukia, as maid of honor, entered next, escorted by Renji who was acting as best man. Rukia seemed to float on a cloud of happiness, an ecstatic smile on her face. Renji smiled as well as he walked down the aisle with her arm in arm.

Yachiru entered after them, a happy grin on her face, enthusiastically spreading flower petals from her basket. Everyone _oohed_ and _awwed_ at how cute she looked in her dress with a crown of flowers on her head. Kiyone looked pretty cute too in her identical outfit, following her and spreading more flowers. Omaeda didn't look cute at all. Everyone fought hard to suppress their laughter as he glumly shuffled down the aisle, his oversized gown still a little too tight on his barrel shape, his flower headdress askew. Ichigo was the only one to laugh out loud earning another slap from Ishida. Omeada angrily threw fistfuls of flower petals on the floor, moving as quickly as he could to get the whole humiliating experience over with. No one even noticed Hanataro behind him acting as ring bearer. They made their way to their respective places in front of the improvised chapel, clearing the aisle.

Everyone rose as the Wedding March began. The crown gasped as Soifon made her appearance. She looked radiantly beautiful in her white gown despite the nervousness and uncertainty written all over her face. She had paused in the doorway, hesitant and unsure of herself.

As Soifon looked around, the crowd at first appeared to be a featureless mass of faces and colors. Only Byakuya, standing at the end of the aisle in his western style wedding suit, seemed to be in focus. He certainly did look handsome in it, a dove grey suit with swallowtails, ruffled white shirt and a pink tie. His face was an unreadable blank as always. She still didn't understand why he was allowing this wedding to proceed. Glancing around, she spotted Shūhei with his film crew in the back.

**Note to Self:** _Don't forget to schedule in some time to __**KILL **__**HISAGI **__**SHŪHEI**__ when this is all over_.

She made out the white haoris of the captains, their faces smiling and sympathetic for the most part. She saw the Kuchiki family wasn't smiling at all. She didn't dare look at her mother. Finally, she spotted the one person she was looking for. Yoruichi-sama. She smiled at Soifon and gave her a confident wink. Taking courage from her mentors' presence, Soifon began her slow walk up the aisle.

I will have faith, she thought. Youruichi-sama would never let me down. She will stop this wedding. She will rescue me.

Slowly she moved through the sea of faces, the start-and-stop pace dictated by the music and the ceremony helping to hide her shaky knees.

Any second now, she's going to act, Soifon told herself. She's going to sweep me off my feet and carry me away. Or maybe she'll set off a smokescreen and get me out of here that way.

Closer and closer she came to the altar where Byakuya and the Captain-Commander waited.

Yep, any second now, she thought.

Unfortunately, were no more seconds. She had run out of time. She was there.

_%#$^&* Yoruichi-sama!_ She cursed in her mind. It was too late, the ceremony had begun.

"Dearly beloved," Yamamoto read off an index card, "We are gathered here today…"

Soifon tuned him out. This is it, she thought. My life is over. I'll lose my job, I'll get fat a as a blimp and I'll be surrounded by a thousand filthy screeching rugrats until I'm a broken down old wreck. How could all of this have happened? It wasn't fair! Looking into Byakuya's face was no comfort. She had no idea what he was thinking. Was she going to have to look at that face every morning for the rest of her life now?

"…and if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be joined in the bonds of holy matrimony," Yamamoto droned, "let them speak now or forever hold their peace. Pause to allow for a speaker. Oh, I am supposed to stop here for a moment."

He looked out over the crowd. "Well? Does anyone have any objections?"

"I object!" Yourichi shouted as she rose from her seat and marched into the aisle. "I didn't want to have to do this, but Soifon cannot marry Lord Byakuya. She is already married!"

Gasps and exclamations echoed throughout the hall.

"Daughter! What is Lady Yoruichi talking about?" Su-yin demanded

Soifon could only stand there with her mouth open.

"What foolishness is this, Shihōin Yoruichi?" Yamamoto growled. "You dare to interrupt this ceremony with your nonsense?"

"It's not nonsense." Yoruichi insisted. "Soifon is a married woman and cannot marry Byakuya."

"This is absurd," Yamamoto thundered. "Married to whom?"

"To me!" Yoruichi shot back.

The outbursts of astonishment and outrage were a lot louder this time as Yoruichi boldly strode up the aisle. She stopped to stand before the supposedly betrothed couple and bowed low to Byakuya.

"My apologies to you Lord Byakuya." She said. "I'm afraid I had a fight with Soifon and she was using you to get back at me. I knew she didn't mean it when she seduced you, I stubbornly refused to beg her forgiveness when she actually became engaged to you, but I never thought she would take it this far."

She turned and bowed to Soifon.

"I'm begging for your forgiveness now. I can't bear to watch anymore. I was a fool! Please, take me back!"

"Lady Yoruichi, please stop joking." Su-yin begged. "A woman can't marry another woman!"

"They can in the real world." Yoruichi explained. "In a place called New York."

"Ridiculous!" Yamamoto huffed. "I don't believe it!"

"Oh, no?" Yoruichi said arching her eyebrow. "Then maybe you'll believe this!"

Seizing Soifon around her waist, she pulled her close and locked their lips together in a passionate, torrid kiss.

The audience howled with shock and confusion. Several people fainted. Yamamoto pounded his cane on the floor demanding order.

"Tell me you're recording this!" Shūhei yelled at the cameraman, "Please tell me you're recording this!"

"You bet I am Hisagi-san!" The man confirmed. Indeed, flashbulbs were going off in a supernova of light as everyone with a recording device did their best to capture the spectacle.

Soifon registered absolutely none of this. Her senses shut down one by one as her nervous system went into overload. She was barely able to form even one thought in her mind as the room seemed to spin out of control.

**Note to self:** _YORUICHI-SAMA IS KISSSING ME! AND SHE'S USING HER TEH...TUH...__**TONGUE!**_


	8. The Bee Liberated

**Summary:** Everything goes back to normal…more or less.

Byakuya strolled into the first divisions cherry orchard still in his wedding tuxedo, an open bottle of chilled champagne in one hand, an empty glass in the other. It truly was a magnificent example of grounds keeping. Centuries of cultivation, pruning, and tender loving care had produced strong trees with dark green leaves that exploded in a riot of pink blossoms every spring. He had often accepted Captain-Commander Yamamoto's invitation to view the cherry trees in bloom, glad for the opportunity to enjoy their fleeting elegance in a somewhat more serene environment than the rest of Seireitai. That time had long passed, but it would come again soon enough. The cool breeze tousled his hair as he calmly strode the shade dappled path through the trees. At last he came to the center of the orchard. Here was the largest cherry tree of all. Yamamoto had planted it with his own hands centuries ago. He looked up and up, following the branches with his eyes, admiring the strength in its boughs. The gnarled old patriarch of this small artificial forest deserved respect. It had endured a great deal over the centuries and indeed, it would no doubt endure for years to come. It certainly was putting up with a lot today.

"You can come down now Captain Soifon." Byakuya called up into the canopy.

"Never!" Soifon's disembodied voice shouted back. "I'm staying up here until I die!"

Byakuya sighed. "All of the guests are gone. The first division has cleared the grounds. There is no reason for you to hide any longer."

"No reason to hide?" She repeated back incredulously. "I can never show my face again! I'm a laughingstock! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!"

"Captain Soifon." Byakuya said sternly. "You are behaving in a manner unbecoming for an officer of the Gotei 13. I expect you to face your problem with courage and resolve. Also, knowing you as I do, I expect better from you."

He heard her groan from somewhere in the leaves.

"All right. I'm coming down."

Some branches creaked and rustled. The leaves parted to reveal a small blob of white that quickly grew larger. Soifon at last became visible. Byakuya was impressed. It couldn't have been easy to conceal herself in that dress. She'd hardly even damaged it considering she had bolted from the makeshift chapel like a scalded cat the second Yoruichi let her go. With a dejected hop, she allowed herself to fall to the ground, landing gracefully on her feet in front of him, her skill and training evident even in her distressed state. Byakuya began to pour the champagne.

"I thought you might want…"

Soifon ignored both his words and the glass. She pulled the bottle from Byakuya's hand, put it in her mouth and upended it. Byakuya blinked for a second, then decided to take it in stride, sipping what little champagne he had managed to pour into the glass as Soifon chugged the expensive wine down. At last, the bottle was completely drained. Soifon looked at the empty vessel dejectedly, then threw it over her shoulder. It arced away into the sky shattering somewhere out of sight, the tinkle of broken glass faintly reaching their ears

"Feel better?" Byakuya asked.

"No, I don't feel better." Soifon snarled "I feel like an utter jackass! What the hell were you thinking Byakuya? I thought we had an understanding. You help me and I help you. But then you just gave up. Why? Why did you let this happen? Why did you let the wedding proceed? Have you lost your mind?"

Byakuya coolly finished the champagne in his glass.

"I was going to get an annulment."

Soifon's jaw dropped. An annulment. Of course. They could have pretended to be married for a couple of months and then found some excuse to have the marriage annulled. There might have been some grumbling from their families, but if they came up with a good enough reason, everyone would have had no choice but to accept it. It was so simple!

Guiltily, she lowered her eyes as she felt her face heat up.

"I'm sorry." She muttered. "I had no idea."

"It's not your fault." He replied. "I wasn't able to get word to you. Our families were both very thorough in enforcing the communication ban. With no other way of letting you know, I was going to whisper it in your ear during the ring exchange. Unfortunately, Shihōin Yoruichi's outburst disrupted my plans."

Soifon grimaced as she pushed her fingertips together.

Um, I'm afraid that's my fault." She confessed. "I sorta panicked a little and asked her to help me out. I had no idea she was going to do _that_ though!"

"It's just as well." Byakuya asserted shaking his head. "It gave me an opportunity I could exploit. As soon as you left, I announced to my clan that the loss of face was too great to be tolerated. Due to the grievous public humiliation I had to endure, I called off the wedding, broke off our engagement and informed my clan that no one is allowed to talk to me about marriage or to mention your name to me ever again. Apparently, I'm quite the bastard."

"So that's it?"Soifon asked. "It's finally over?"

Byakuya nodded. "As far as _my_ family is concerned, yes."

Soifon frowned at the way he spoke. He seemed to be implying something.

"What about my family?" she asked.

Byakuya carefully placed his empty glass on a nearby branch hanging it by the stem where the limb forked.

"That's partly the reason why I'm here. I am to escort you to Captain-Commander Yamamoto's office. Your mother would like to talk to you about…"

He barely managed to seize her around the waist as she tried to run for it.

"Put me down! Put me down!" She screeched. "I'm too young to die!"

"Captain, you are overreacting." He calmly informed her as he avoided her elbow and heel strikes.

"You didn't grow up with her. You don't know her like I do!"

"Be that as it may, it is my duty to bring you back, willingly or otherwise."

She squirmed around to face him baring her teeth.

"What makes you think you can force me?" She growled. "It may be only one of us walks out of this orchard on their own power Kuchiki, and it might not be you!"

"I am willing to take that chance." He replied. "Are you willing to harm me for a temporary escape?"

The anger in her face slowly faded as she considered his words. He could feel her body relax in his arms.

"No." She sullenly admitted. "No. I don't. Very well. I suppose I should face her now."

Slowly, Byakuya removed his arms from around her waist, ready to seize her again if she tried to flee. Soifon didn't try anything of the sort. Instead she squared her shoulders and with head held high started walking towards the first division's office building. With just the faintest hint of a smile, Byakuya joined her by her side.

* * *

><p>So this is what it's like, Soifon thought. This is how a prisoner sees the world on the day they are executed. Everything seemed so bright and crisp, every detail standing out as if to form one last impression on her soon-to-be-extinguished mind. Sooner than she would have liked, she was entering the first division's headquarters and walking first up the stairs then down the hallway to Yamamoto's office, Byakuya silently accompanying her.<p>

"Kuchiki-san." She said without looking at him. "I want to apologize to you for getting you involved in this mess."

"It's all right." He replied. "It was my choice to play along."

"Yes, but you didn't have to. It really means a lot to me that you went out of your way to help me especially when I caused you so much trouble."

"You're welcome." He said as they came up to Yamamoto's office. Reaching out, he opened the door and held it open for her. Taking a deep breath, she slowly walked inside. Su-yin was waiting for her, standing in the middle of the room with her arms crossed, her expression stone faced and forbidding.

"You're going to stay with me, right Byakuya?" She whispered.

There was no answer. "Byakuya?"

Looking behind her, she was just in time to see the door close on its well oiled hinges with an ominous click. It was quickly followed by the unmistakable sounds of a key locking her in. She rushed over and yanked on the doorknob.

"Open this door!" She growled. "Open! This! Door! Dammit Kuchiki, how dare you do this to me! You are so going to get it if I get of here alive!"

She drew back her fist and channeled power into her hand. Byakuya would soon learn the consequences of his betrayal. She smashed her fist into the wood ready to leap through the hole and kick him right in his pretty boy face.

_Pain!_

She grabbed her hand as a shockwave of pain rode up her arm, her mouth open in a silent scream of agony.

**Note to Self**: _Did you forget the Captain-Commander's office has captain-proof doors? Reminder, the Captain- Commander installed captain-proof doors._

There was no way out. The only way she was going to escape confronting her mother would be to run past her and dive off the balcony. Maybe if she sprinted to Su-yin's left, then zigzagged…?

No. She wasn't going to do that. She was going to handle this like a mature, responsible adult. Shaking the pain from her hand, she straightened her spine and turned around. Her mother hadn't moved, her expression still angry and disapproving.

I'm not going to panic, Soifon thought as she approached her mother. I am a Captain of the Gotei 13. I will face her with the courage and dignity of my office. We will have a frank, rational discussion about this situation and will work things out like two adults. Stopping two paces from Su-yin, she held her mother's gaze, doing her best to project cool professionalism to counter Su-yin's scorn. This is it, she thought. I'm ready now.

"_**Gomenesai!**_" She wailed as she flung herself at Su-yin's feet. Placing both hands on the ground, she touched her forehead to the floor over and over.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen! It was all just a big mistake! You have to believe me!"

"Oh, get up already." Su-yin snapped. "You're going to mess up that dress even more. You don't need to explain, the Lady Yoruichi already told me everything."

"She did?" Soifon asked puzzled.

"Yes, she did," Su-yin affirmed. "So get off the floor and come sit with me so we can talk about this like civilized people."

Rising from the floor, Soifon did as she was told and followed her mother to the balcony where a table with two chairs had been set. Tea had already been poured and she could see steam rising from the cup in front of her when she sat down.

"So Yoruichi already explained everything to you?" she asked.

Su-yin nodded and took a sip of her tea. "Yes, after all the hubbub died down, she had me meet her here with Lord Byakuya and she explained the whole thing. That basically, you were playing for time until you could find some way to weasel out of getting married. Unfortunately for you the clock ran out."

Soifon flinched at her tone. "I'm sorry mother. Believe me, it didn't start out that way."

"I know." Su-yin replied. "Like I said, Lady Yoruichi explained everything. She told me this all just a big misunderstanding that got out of hand and that you never intended to marry Lord Byakuya. She said the only reason you were at his mansion when that picture was taken was because you finally worked up the courage to break off your torrid love affair with him. Lord Byakuya himself said it was painful, but you made him understand that you two were getting too close and that anything more than a casual relationship could never work between two people in such a dangerous line of work. He told me you were so sorry and upset you drank until you passed out and had to stay the night. I have to say, he was being a very good sport to follow along with your cockamamie plan considering you just broke his heart."

"Yes, he's quite a guy." Soifon muttered as she silently thanked Yoruichi and Byakuya for covering for her. "But I tried to tell you all this in the first place. You wouldn't listen to me."

"A mother has to follow her instincts." Su-yin insisted. "Besides, I wasn't wholly wrong, was I?"

"So you'll listen to Yoruichi-sama before you believe your own daughter?"

"Of course I'll listen to her, she's the scion of the house of Shihōin!" Su-yin said with her nostrils flaring. "We've been serving her family for millennia. If she said the moon was a giant daifuku I'd have to send somebody to check first before doubting her."

"Oh yeah, good point." Soifon agreed.

Su-yin put down her cup and sighed. "Still, I'm disappointed. Having a relationship with that man broke with our traditions."

"Times change mother." Soifon replied. "Sometimes the old ways don't fit. I didn't mean to hurt you, but living my life and keeping within tradition is hard."

"All the more reason to follow them!" Su-yin answered. "Keeping our traditions defines who we are. It's what keeps us together and links us to our heritage. To forget tradition is to fall apart and then the clan would be no more!"

Soifon bowed her head, her face heating up with shame. She had heard this speech hundreds of times growing up. She agreed for the most part and she wanted to fit in like the rest of her family, but her life simply hadn't worked out that way. She could never make her mother see that.

"On the other hand." Su-yin continued more quietly. "Lady Yoruichi reminded me that there are always exceptions to the rule. That there are special circumstances, special people that fall outside of the norm."

She took another sip of her tea and looked out over the balcony where the evening sun was beginning to sink below the horizon, bathing all of Seireitai in a golden glow. When she spoke again, it was so quietly Soifon had to strain to hear her.

"You're the only one in our clan to ever make captain. Did you know that? No one in our entire history has ever risen as high as you. I don't think any one of use even thought we could."

Soifon didn't quite understand. What was she trying to say?

"Mother?"

Su-yin abruptly stood up. "I have made a decision. As you are an officer in the Gotei 13, I release you from clan law. You are in a special circumstance that we have not encountered before. There should be new laws to address this situation. We will probably need a great deal of time to hammer them out. I can see have a lot of work ahead of me."

Soifon rose to her feet as well.

"You really mean that Mother? You would do this for me?"

"Of course." Su-yin replied. "I know we don't always get along and I don't always approve of the things you do. But I always wanted you to be happy."

Soifon was touched. It was so unusual seeing her mother open up like this. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it." Su-yin said as she let go. "Just be sure to tell me if you change your mind about grandchildren."

She walked over to the door and gave it three hard raps.

"Open up. We're done in here."

The door was unlocked and swung open.

"I'll be seeing you later daughter." Su-yin said. "I have to hurry. I have a date with that nice Kyubei-san from the Kuchiki clan. Who knows? If he plays his cards right, he might get lucky."

Soifon's mouth dropped. "Mother!"

"Hey, don't look at me like that!" Su-yin barked. "I'm an old widow woman. Nobody cares what _I_ do."

With that, Su-yin confidently sauntered out the door. Soifon felt her legs going numb forcing her to sit back down. Her mother and a Kuchiki noble! Her mind could barely wrap around the concept. It actively rejected the idea of Su-yin "getting lucky". She actually felt a little faint.

A purple haired head popped out from behind the door.

"Soifon? Is it OK if I come in?" Yoruichi asked.

"Sure Yoruichi-sama." She dazedly replied. "Come right in." Nothing else that happened to her today was going to be any more shocking that what just happened.

Yoruichi strolled over to the empty chair, plopped herself down, then leaned closer to give Soifon a concerned look.

"You're looking kinda pale there. Are you all right?"

"Of course I'm not all right." Soifon said burying her face in her hands. "I'll probably be stripped of my rank, drummed out of the Gotei 13 and have to hide my face for the rest of my life."

She didn't even want to mention the bombshell her mother just dropped.

"Oh, don't be silly." Yoruichi admonished her. "None of that's going to happen. I explained everything."

Soifon raised her head, an icicle of dread stabbing her heart. "You did? How?"

"By using the best kind of lie." Yoruichi declared "One that's mostly true. After you ran out the door, I told everyone you were freaking out with a bad case of cold feet and you begged me to get you out of the wedding. My little stunt was the best thing I could come up with on short notice. You know that crazy Yoruichi, she'll do anything. Oh, and I'm sorry about kissing you like that. I thought I had to make it look convincing."

Soifon turned away so Yoruichi couldn't see her blushing. "That's OK, Yoruichi-sama. I understand. I…forgive you"

Grinning wildly, Yoruichi leaned over and punched her on the arm. "Thata girl! I knew there would be no hard feelings. Speaking of which, you should have heard Byakuya-bo when I finished. He comes up to me and says 'Your behavior is inexcusable no matter what the circumstances Shihōin Yoruichi.' He is such a good actor. I swear, it was like he was really pissed at me! And then he announces he's so insulted, he's breaking things off with you forever! You should have heard everyone gasp! It's all so tragic. Two young lovers, torn apart by one woman's foolish actions, a nobles wounded pride denying them any chance of future happiness. Oh the tragedy, oh the sadness! They'll be talking about this for years to come, for centuries even!"

Looking over at Soifon's face, she could see she wasn't making things any better.

"Did I say centuries? No, probably not that long. Decades. Decades at the most."

Soifon groaned and put her head back in her hands. "Isn't there anything I can do to make this go away? Can't I have my old life back?"

Yoruichi left her seat to kneel besides her and put her arm around her shoulders.

"That's just how things work sweetie. This will all blow over before you know it. Some other crisis will come up or some other juicy scandal will break and you'll be old news. It's just going to take time."

"In the meantime, everyone is going to look at me like I'm a total idiot." Soifon complained.

"Maybe so." Yoruichi said. "But can you say they're wrong? You did kinda bring this all on yourself."

Soifon looked up at her mentor's face. "I guess you got a point." She reluctantly agreed.

Yoruichi gave her an encouraging shake. "Don't take it so hard. Everybody falls on their face once in a while. Even me! Tell you what. You let me know if I can do anything to make this better, anything at all and I'll do it."

Soifon had a hard time coming up with anything. It had been such a trying day. Something that could make things better? Like what? The idea that suddenly popped into her head was the first good thing to happen to her since this madness began. A wicked grin spread across her face.

"Yoruichi-sama," She slyly asked. "Do you know Hisagi Shūhei?"

* * *

><p>It was a surprise when Soifon ran into Byakuya again. She had just turned in her reports to the first division and was making her way to the stairs. Turning the hallway corner, she almost ran right into Byakuya delivering <em>his<em> reports.

"Oh, sorry." She apologized as she stepped out of his way. Unfortunately, Byakuya had stepped with her so they were still face to face.

"Sorry." Byakuya murmured as he stepped aside, matching Soifon who had done the same. The atmosphere was intensely awkward. Suddenly, Byakuya took a step backward. He bowed low with the hand holding his reports in front as he swept the other back indicating that she should pass.

"Wife." He said.

Soifon snorted and put her hand in front of her mouth. Was this a joke? Playing along, she bobbed in a short curtsey.

"Husband." She replied. She walked around him as he held his pose. As she passed, she looked closely at his face. Sure enough, it was there. That slight upturn at the corner of his mouth.

"You're funny." She said.

The End.


End file.
